Glad to see you haven’t off’d yourself just-quite-yet, well we got a good find for an article today. That is, the day of capitalist pigs going oink oink.

I mean, who are the pigs? The rich people making poor people make the goods? or the consoomers buying all the becky supplies? Guh.

Enough about neon dystopias, I’m talking about a real thing here. One littered with death and stuff.

This is America, and that means riots.

We love our riots so much, that we riot after sporting events, our own elections, and randomly. We love riots to the point where we created a holiday to riot for dumb things we don’t care about. It’s not even a federal holiday but people take the day off just for it.

It’s like the purge but with looting at a discount for the stores.

I’m talking about;

Black Friday.

Yes, every year Americans get injured, cut each other off, park outside, sleep in cars, wait in lines, camp with tents in said lines, and start rummaging through bargain bin stores as if it’s a loot fest. Which, I mean, it is.

50% off on this useless piece of shit T.V.

70% off on scarves they didn’t sell last year.

25% off your dignity for having waited in line for bullshit overpriced goods. That most people are dumb enough to still buy.

100% off on invisible clown makeup, because that’s what you’ll be wearing.

Don’t worry, like every good store, we’re just going to raise the prices and slap a discount sticker. That way you feel like you’re getting a good deal.

I get the money, you feel good, we all win. It’s a no-brainer.

Remember to forget that you save 100% of the cash you don’t spend.

(and if you’re being technical, you save 98% ish due to inflation, but whatever. Money printer go brrr, right?)

The Contestents

Black Friday is a game, a gladiatorial game of “who can get to the deal first”.

The winner takes all, and then they go around doing dumb shit.

Think of it like American Gladiator, if it was a reality television show on shopping. It’s an annual special like Shark week, because why-the-fuck-not?

Oh and actually buying things? That’s for losers.

You see, companies give you 50% off of things, this is obviously a sign for you to do your part and meet them half way.

Yup, you knock off another 50% and now that useless piece of shit is 100% off. Simple math.

What I’m saying is, People Steal.

Theft like these numbers.

Don’t worry, the company gets to play a new game of cops and robbers. If they get you, they’ll fuck you harder than the IRS did to Panama Shell Companies and Off-shore Accounts. Raw Dogging it.

Companies are asking you to steal their products, why else would they say that it’s a steal?

Why the fuck are companies advertising their products as a steal, if they aren’t telling you to literally steal it? No way, what are they? speaking in hyperbole? That would be like, this website being satire or something. . .

So of course, people steal.

Yup.

Yea.

Stealing.

Theft.

Y’all Fuck-it, they even out thurr stealin’ identities.

Yes people are targeting unattended purses, RFID unprotected cards, and identities.

Hell, it’s such a fucking loot fest that Employees are stealing from their stores. Fuck it, player 2 has entered the game!

The great thing about this is, as a store person, you can probably file taxes on losses due to theft. Think of it like an all-around-win for being a dishonest thief. You steal from yourself, steal from the IRS, and steal.

While you are out their stealing from the Shopping centers, remember that there are those stealing from your homes. I mean, you’re gone right? Karma has to do some magic some time, perfect to steal from your home while you’re not around.

That’s right, people rob your homes. I mean, you’re not there. You tweeted that you weren’t, so of course your friends are gonna jack your shit.

Hell, while you are in the stores, some people. They wait in parking lots, looking for a car that has shopping shit inside, and they break in. You know, like a thief.

Everyone is stealing, it’s a loot fest. I love it.

Black Friday is working communism because Communism is about sharing, so Imma take your shit, comrade.

Oh, by the by, the items they sell are always final. No returns, even if defective. Lol, wut are you gonna do? Sue em?

Shopping Fights

Okay, you have morals or something. You don’t steal or whatever.

Got it, then make sure you bring a mouthpiece because everyone is trying to get a deal on shitty shit.

Shopping is a hunt, and hunting is a blood sport.

Thus shoppers are out for blood.

Yea, and if you love bumfights because you’re an equally awful human being, then Black Friday shopping/fighting is a great way to ease your Basic ass girlfriend into blood sports. Becky, watch this:

Fuck, before you know it, your girl will like watching MMA or something.

The Losers

Well, sometimes people don’t win. In fact, they lose, a lot. Turns out, people die in the shopping feeding frenzy of black friday.

Between 2006 and 2018, according to the Hustle, 44 Black Friday incidents in America left 11 dead and 109 injured — including one man who brought home a shattered hip after being shoved into a shelf of cut-rate presents.

-NY Post

Black Friday is the capitalistic consoomer holiday of shit you don’t need at a price you impulsively lost control at.

See, there are plenty of emotional simps who are in the market for their next financial mistake. They see a low price, or a high savings percentage, and they buy. Simple people, that’s why they’re called simps.

Straight out of impulse, lacking discipline and no-emotional control, these humans are savages.

So much so, that they’ll walk over their fellow man just to get a plasma screen television. Stampede someone to death. Filthy Savages.

Hey, atleast more people have died from Vending machines than they have Black Friday sales? Right?

At least 37 deaths and 113 injuries since 1978 that have resulted from consumers rocking or tilting the machines in an attempt to obtain free soda or money.

-Simply Greed Kills

I mean as far as the recorded data implies.

Psychological Sociopathic manipulation

Or simply Marketing. It’s the sort of thing with ads and compulsive impulse buys to subliminally trick you into feeling societal pressure of conformity in being a sheep to buy shit.

Yes, Black Friday isn’t a Holiday, not nationally, and less so internationally. But society and consoomer culture makes you feel like you’re missing out.

Like you are the dumb one for not taking advantage of Black Friday shopping.

Yes, the old FOMO, or the Fear of missing out.

You feel like this is the only time to buy shit, like it’s the end of buying and we’re going to discontinue capitalism if you stop buying.

Well, this is the sort of psychological cuckery that companies and such benefit from. The sort of thing that says “your life will never be fulfilled if your room isn’t fully filled of shit you don’t need”.

Don’t worry, you generally regret your purchase. But the psychology of sunken-cost fallacy makes you justify your actions over and over again. Like a lie slithering into your ear, you believe it. Because snakes are trustworthy.

What I’m saying is, you spend money. Then you post-justify your spenditure. Because you don’t want to admit that your a cucking consoomer.

Welcome to marketing, and hi society.

The rest of the World

Well, the whole festivities of American Shopping is infectious. It has gone world wide.

In Closing

Disclaimer: most of this speech is hyperbole, as is satire, so fuck off.

If you support Black Friday shopping, and you shop during that time, then you are a capitalist pig.

You consoomer you, just go on and oink oink your way back to your muddy filthy den of disgusting hoarded trinkets.

Materialistic much? Yes.

And I love it, you filthy pig.

*ahem*

The problem isn’t within the companies, it’s within your lack of ability to realize the wool over your eyes. This also means that we as a society, are a collective of fucking idiots. Sheeps go bleeet.

Yea, don’t worry, people around the world aren’t paying American Prices on things. That would be absurd, I mean, have you looked at the price of healthcare here?

Well, you’re ready to go for the next round of annual bloodslaughter that is Black Friday shopping. Ignore Cyber Monday, people steal your identities and hack it too so don’t trust any websites either.

Well, may the odds be forever in someone else’s favor. Because fuck you.

*Not Valid Financial, Legal, Life, or Any Advice