We are a satirical site with cynical views on finances and awful financial advice columns.

Have a question? Submit it on our contact page or DM us.

Remember We will not be held legally responsible for your dumb a$$ for taking any of our fiduciary jokes.

Hence the
*Not valid Financial, Legal, Life, or Any advice


The Full Story (Basically)

Our Founder was blowing paychecks every weekend at the bars to fuel a belligerent state of alcoholism, (the political ideology endorsed at the time). After spending hundreds every weekend, an epiphany occurred:

“Instead of going out to the bars, why not buy booze from the store?”

This saved money which let the Founder buy more booze, this led to caring about the acquisition of finances. Fast forward, the Founder made a lot of money in the stock market and hated life.

So, naturally, the Founder YEETED money and went YOLO into bitcoin right before it crashed in 2018. Obviously loving life, the ‘la vida loca’, post-financial-suicide, the Founder decided to give completely not-sound-advice* and views on financial institutions.

Currently No Safe Bets is building a team of greatly cynical people from all walks of life to help enlighten the world on how to be financially free, one trash-tier-advice at a time. With our Slogan:

*Not valid Legal, Financial, Life, or Any advice.

In fact, the moral of the story should be to do the opposite of what we, at No Safe Bets, recommend/do.

Why the name:
“No Safe Bets”?

Well, we here know the probable truth that there is no safe bet. There is only relativistic and probabilistic safety for every bet.

All bets are off here because we don’t know when your insurance company will leverage that loophole to pay you pennies on the dollar for your investments like shell companies under Mossack Fonseca.

We don’t know when the credit card merchants decide to block you and assert you as some sort of terrorist-threat, locking in all of your life’s savings and digital credit behind an electronic firewall like Alex Jones.

We don’t know when the next black Monday stock market crash that wipes out your life savings in a 401k will happen, or when the national government will be overthrown in a post civil-war/revolution abolishing your FDIC insured money.

Or when another plague of a virus, the Emperor virus, decides to usurp the Corona Virus and topple world governments for fun.

We also don’t know when the next pugilistic cult will wipe out the Credit Card server farms with gusto like Chuck Palahniuk’s Fight Club.

Or when a losing militant government will implement a weaponized Electromagnetic Pulse (EMP) to combat technological advancements in drone warfare while also inadvertently eliminating credit scores.

Or when the last vestiges, a bastion, of humanity initiates an EMP to eradicate the Robot AI overlords post technological singularity. This also means goodbye to your electronic tax returns, your pensions, and your petabytes of erotica.

We also don’t know when to cash in your hard earned pre-war money into bottle caps to survive the economic turmoil that post thermo-nuclear war may yet lead us to.

Or when the Sun decides to go “Watch this” and emits a large solar flare of which would cause a Coronal Mass Ejection ruining that video you were watching on how to cheap out on a date.

We honestly don’t know when the sun will decide to turn off, if humans will be around forever, or if the earth will support enough life to sustain capitalism.

So we’re here to say that there really is no safe bet.

Welcome, to No Safe Bets.

Check out our mission statement to learn what we’re doing and a little bit about our goals:

We also make dank memes