Stonks Lesson 2: What do stonk do?

Stonk do the things, in fact, there’s plenty stonks can do. Save a child, eat a rabbit, and even hunt sugar daddies.

But that’s neither here nor there, the real question is “what do they do for you?” or simply put;

What do stonk?

Generally three things,
-And something else I don’t care about


Well you can buy stonks and sell stonks.

If you buy em high for say $100 a share, then sell em low for $10 a share, you net at least a profit of -$90 per share. That’s the simple use of stonks that everyone does.

Perfect, you gain some losses. At least you gained something today.


Sometimes a company will pay share holders simply for holding on to shares. This is called a dividend.

Companies shave some of their profits off the top to pay the shareholders for being a good little holder, you know, holding on to stuff. The Dividends can pay out every month, quarter, or year. So you know, hold on to it or whatever.

If a company isn’t making profit but still issuing dividends, then that’s generally a red flag. Like what the fuck guy, where are you pulling this money from? Your ass?

So, you know, be careful with dividends (or not). Look at their financials and figure out where the magic tricks are. Inseminate yourself into a cult of insiders and figure out what the fuck is going on. I mean, do you even money?

For employees, an employee stock program with dividends is a great investment vehicle. A great thing for a company, as long as the CEO or CFO ain’t a shithead and run the company in the ground. Then everyone is happier, with their little piece of stonk. Yes, an investment vehicle is great for running people over, so write that down in your notes.

On a side note, if you invested in an investment vehicle like a fund or some other made up shit, it’s called a capital gains distribution. Who cares.

black and white crew neck shirt
Ignore this image, it means nothing and is just filler to make the article look like I tried.

And something else I don’t care about

Owning a share of a company makes you a share holder, meaning you own a piece of the company. Depending how the company is ran, it might even let you make decisions based on how many shares you have.

So you can vote with your stock. Yup, owning shares and investing a company helps you dictate and decide the future of the company. It’s like a radical democracy where you have weighted votes based on contribution.

This means that capitalism and the stonk market are, by virtue, the best working democratic socialism than whatever lefties think socialism is. But political theory is trash and postmodern economics is equally trash. So just ignore that.

Like any vote, I tend to veto. So these shares, holding the future of decision making, means nothing to me.

What do stonk for company?

Stonks do the, you know, the thing. . .

A Company can do the same thing you do, buy and sell shares.

The company itself can buy up public shares and hold em. The company can also give the shares to employees through a stock program, an employment contract, or as a bonus. When a company buys its own shares, its called a buyback. There’s a lot of bullshit reasons for buybacks, like fudging financial numbers to make it look ‘nice’ or rewarded investors for being dumb. That sort of thing.

The Company can also sell shares and flood the market with more shares in the public sector. This is called another round of investing, public offering, or some other made-up term, idk, you shouldn’t be taking advice from this website. I mean, it’s like getting the down-low from your local crack dealer, like, why?

The Company’s main goal SHOULD be to make money, so it should smartly reward investors for investing while also making sure its financials are great. So don’t be IBM, you know, buying up all the shares at a loss to keep their share prices relatively stagnant ‘stable’.

A Company should buy it’s own shares when it is hurting or undervalued and thinks it can recover. A company should sell it’s own shares when it is overvalued, and then it can take its gainz and invest in acquisition or other shit the company needs. All of this, is to generate more money.

In alternative-fact, a good company would pump n dump the market, to make more money. The shitty shorters will freak out, and the long holding share holders will stress out. The emotional toll is perfect to get good loyalty under your Company’s belt.

Don’t do be Like IBM

Change the amount of Stocks

A Company can increase the number of shares that a Company has, or it can make the amount of shares smaller.

A split is when the company gives every shareholder another set of shares. So if you had 10 shares of Company “shit my pants” then you will have 20 shares of “shit my pants”. Basically splitting your shares in half, now your ten dollars of shares is worth 5 dollars each, but still ten dollars total. That’s a key takeaway here, the number of your shares changed but the value of it didn’t.

The important part is that Company “shit my pants” stock price changed from $10 to $5 even though the market cap didn’t.

A Reverse-split is the opposite, where they glue shares together like that kid in class that eats glue paste for whatever the fucking reason. Maybe I’m the retarded one for not trying glue paste. The point is, if you own 10 shares, they’ll glue them together so that you have 5 shares. Your value stays the same, but the number of shares you have is different.

spilled glue on bottle
There’s no real glue involved with stonks, unless you’re a hungry day trader

So in this case, if you had 20 shares at $5, you would have 10 shares at $10. You glue your shares and the price of the stock goes up. But the market cap didn’t change.

Not Valid Financial advice to help helmet-wearing degenerates understand the ins and outs of the American Money Hole. I'm talking about the Stock Market, or Stonks for short. If you're still reading this, then you might as well check it out. Don't forget your helmet.
Picture to help you helmet-wearing-ass to understand

The reason for the stock splits and reverse splits is to do some strategic financial bullshit that makes no sense to the average gambler. Only inside gamblers really understand.


BUT DON’T UNDERESTIMATE THE RETARDS OF GAMBLING, they see the price change. That’s all it take for them to think that something happened.

  1. What happens is, a split or a reverse-split will happen.
  2. Then the Stock price will go up or down.
  3. Then Traders Freak out because there was a huge “jump” in stock price (even though there was no jump in value).
  4. Then they will try to trade to sell or buy into the stock. All based on a number change, even though they didn’t gain or lose anything. You know, the typical tale of a day trader.
  5. This would make the Market CAP actually change, and then there would have to be a market correction for how over or under valued a company was. Whatever.

If you’re smart, you can use to figure out where the fuck (or when the fuck) things went south. Idk, use your discretion, but you probably shouldn’t because, well, have you looked at yourself lately?

The key take away here is that traders (not you -or-at-least, not just you) are emotional idiots that don’t know how splits work, and that you will be affected by someone else’s idiocy when they check the stock price.


Sometimes a company will work with another company and they like circle-jerking eachother enough to become one. So wholesome.

Reality tends to be less wholesome, but whatevs

Yes, I’m talking about company mergers.

Usually one bigger and more financially stable company buys out a smaller company. Let’s say Company “big money” has big money, and company “baby dicks” is new on the block but has prospective technology.

Big money might sell for $30 a share.

Baby dicks might sell for $5 a share.

Big money likes the cut of Baby dick’s jib. They like that they feel threatened by the newcomer on the block, and their technology seems appealing or whatever the fuck their edge is. So Big money decides to do what it does in a free trade enterprise, you know, buy the competitors to form a monopoly.

When the companies merge, they will argue and negotiate by waving dicks on a corporate arbitration table about finances and who has a bigger market cap. Yada-yada they merge.

You may now kithh the lesser financial company

What usually ends up happening is that the share price of the smaller company, baby dicks, goes up. Because those shares will probably, maybe, get dissolved into the bigger company. A lucrative deal, and they’ll have to buy the small companies stock or something. Maybe.

Big Money could do things before hand that sabotages the market value of baby dicks, and make baby dicks lose customers and seem less prospective. Financially, the less valuation Baby dicks is, the cheaper they become.

There’s actually a whole bunch of bullshit that happens here and I’m not going to go into detail to try and explain things I don’t know to someone who thinks I know things. That’s a recipe for a shit-sandwich.

If you invest in Baby dicks, you might not come out on top. It doesn’t always pan out like that, so you might be shit out of luck. It happens. Maybe the merger falls through and instead of moon, Baby dicks sticks itself through a hole in the ground. Maybe you’ll think twice next time you invest in a company called Baby dicks.

Who cares, big take away is stonks go up.

Filing Bankruptcy

Company sometimes do the dumb thing.

Company no make da money.

Company file da bankruptcy.

Stonk go down because no money.

Petition to File For Bankruptcy
Basically the real life business version of “YOU DIED”

There is a lot more to bankruptcy, but you don’t look like you’re going to be a CFO by reading this article. That’s fine, just know that post-bankruptcy is climbing out of a debt-hell-hole while Vulture Capitalists try to peck your back in a Dante-esque inferno.

YOU DIED (HD) - YouTube
Bankruptcy Souls

Side note on important information

I forgot to mention, the biggest rookie mistake of them all when it comes to stonks in lesson 1.

Market Hours.

For the US NYSE, the markets are closed on weekdays and US Federal holidays. That means no tradey-trading. No stonk movey-move.

There’s also set time blocks for trading, to simulate when ‘the markets are open’. These are trading hours, usually 9:30 a.m. to 4 p.m. Eastern on weekdays, because New York is in Eastern Standard Time. Yea.

Some times the markets close early, because Fuck-you.

High Quality Closed Blank Meme Template
Because Fuck-you

Point is, you can’t buy or sell or execute your trades until the market is open. Hence the no tradey-trade.

In Closing

Turns out, glue paste is not bad. Would go well with carrots.

Great job on doing ‘research’ by listening to a whole bunch of strangers on the internet. Now you have confidence to fumble fuck yourself into the Market and hopefully into bankruptcy and debt.

You’ll talk about how many gains and winnings you make on stonk trading, until you lose a whole bunch. Then you’ll stop, it’ll be great.

Not so talk-a-tive now, huh?

Hopefully your stonk picks yield you better ROI than your mistakes. ROI for Regrets On Investment.

Cheers, and until next time,

Not Valid Financial, Legal, Life, or Any Advice.

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