Vulture Capitalism, the best kind of capitalism, Deadass

What better way of making money than taking someone’s trash and turning it into treasure? The simple art of re-gifting failure into success, that’s what Vulture Capitalists do, and by success, that means making money.

Vultures are scavengers, so a vulture hedge fund invests at picking out the pieces of a failed business, entity, or whatever.

waiting on the opportunity to swoop in.

black and gray vulture flying at daytime
Aiming for tendies

How to vulture invest

Vulture investing is essentially ‘Distressed investing’

Where you trade or arbitrage between a ‘forced’ seller and an opportunistic vulture ‘buyer’. These forced seller have to sell off their business because of debt, mismanagement, loss of personnel, etc.

sad mature businessman thinking about problems in living room
Their misfortune is your fortune

Basically “Pick at the scraps, foreclosed, troubled, in debt, failing businesses.” You buy up someone’s failed hopes and dreams, wipe off the tears, and start liquidating their assets. For money, of course.

Most businesses fail within the first five years. That means you can capitalize on every one’s misfortune and naivety. $$$ for you.

That failing printing company won’t need those printing machines. They’ve only been in use for 3 years; that extra 27 or so years of taxable deductions aren’t going to salvage themselves.

That Failed restaurant with those brand new tables and kitchen-ware, we can sell those to the next failing business and redeem debt-free debt.

That’s right, buy up that failed business and gut it inside out like a fresh hunt. Sell those scraps, pieces and parts, and all the stuff. Heck, if you want the company to be alive, then sell a little bit. If you don’t want the company to be alive, go ahead and fire everyone anyway. Middle management is just a filler for limiting hopes and dreams anyway.

It’s called a company restructuring, its fine. People will find their new home in a new office or on the streets, we got to make a buck too, money doesn’t grow on trees.

Examples of Vulture Ventures

Personal scale:

Waiting for someone to throw something out. That’s opportunistic scavenging.
-Look through Craigslist or Facebook market place for free stuff
-Dumpster diving, you might find cool swag or maybe even a burger
-Wait until a bakery or your local Walmart throws away stuff. It might be near expiration, but instead of letting that food go to waste, go ahead and take it.
-Technically short sellers and bears are benefiting from the demise, yet not necessarily picking at the scrapes.
-Looting during riots, unfortunate times, or the apocalypse

You know, Looting is like scavenging

Micro scale/vulture businesses:

-Towing companies/Roadside assistance
-Estate sales, they wait for you to die and then sell your deadperson’s shit.
-Funeral homes, someone died and now they want a cut of that inheritance
-Technically insurance,
-Impound lots and vehicle, that auction off your trash car for not paying it.


vulture fund is a hedge fund, private equity fund or distressed debt fund, that invests in debt considered to be very weak or in default, known as distressed securities. So these Vulture funds have a large bank of F.U. money that they can yeet into distressed securities.

Distressed securities like failing businesses or even failing countries. It’s always good to meddle in someone’s election all for the promise of redeeming your shit bonds for a payoff at the expense of the citizens. No foreign intervention investigation, heck, you put the guy in power, you call the shots. After all, someone owes you a favor, and delegitimizing their presidential (or whatever) rise to power, wouldn’t be favorable for either you or them.

Ethics schmethics

There is nothing wrong with vultures or being a part of vulture investing. Being an opportunistic buyer of someone else’s misfortune isn’t unethical.

Buying a foreclosed home isn’t your fault that you got a good deal.

Buying a garage sale on items to help fund someone’s medical expenses isn’t your fault that they had medical expenses.

However, if you’re directly causing businesses and communities to fail AND THEN swoop in as a vulture to pick at the scraps, then that is unethical. But like, I’m not a moral philosulfurerer or whatever those jackwagons are called nowadays.

Being a shit vulture doesn’t help anyone, it actually hurts more, you become a perpetrator of wrong doing and you hurt the overall market. And when you hurt the market, you hurt me, right in the wallet, where it hurts the most. . . my beloved tendies.

Right in my kokoro

If you cause crippling debt and then take advantage of it by loaning or offering unsavory business practices, then you are most definitely a part of the problem. *cough* banks *cough*

There’s nothing unethical about watching people be idiots or fail. You might feel obligated to help, but its better to help yourself than to help them. Especially if you help them and they end up being propped up and zombified like the banks of today, or vegetables on life support.

Anyways, it’s not like Vulture Capitalism is destroying America.

Notable Vultures


There is an Aussie company that has ASSet management, called ASSet resolution LTD. They’re actually listed with a stock symbol called ASS, it’s great.

The type of description a vulture would have

Distressed ASSets are great ways to invest and flip stuff.
*Disclaimer: This is not an endorsement nor do I know anything about the Company, other than it’s use of ASS, there are also no holdings of any ASS in my portfolio, nor do I stand to reason that I’d gain anything from mentioning ASS*

Mitt Romney

Made his fortune through vulture investing prior to running for 2012 presidential campaign.

“Mitt Romney actually made his fortune: by borrowing vast sums of money that other people were forced to pay back.”

“In the past few decades, in fact, Romney has piled more debt onto more unsuspecting companies, written more gigantic checks that other people have to cover, than perhaps all but a handful of people on planet Earth.”

“A man makes a $250 million fortune loading up companies with debt and then extracting million-dollar fees from those same companies, in exchange for the generous service of telling them who needs to be fired in order to finance the debt payments he saddled them with in the first place.”

The strategy was simple: “let’s-take-stuff-and-trash-it” using “swaps, CDOs and other toxic financial products”. Buy out old companies, liquidate assets, give yourself a bonus, and let the companies starve to death. It’s like hiring someone and taking all their stuff, except with companies.

“borrowing huge sums of money to take over existing firms, then extracting value from them by force.” Sounds great for the economy and over thousands of jobs lost because companies had to downsize as a damage-control measure to cut costs.

-Source- thank you Rolling Stone for the fine reporting and better explanation of the in-depth mechanics of Vulture Capitalism from shitty venture firms. A very great read if you want to hate Vulture Capitalists, much recommended.

Paul “The Vulture” Singer

“He’s called the Vulture. . . He grabs old debts of dying nations, dying companies, and even dying people. When there’s a famine or war, for example, in Argentina during the military dictatorship when Argentina went broke, He bought up old bonds for $50 million dollars just sold them back to the government of Argentina. A government he helped placed in power for $2.5 [m]illion dollars. . . through extortion.” -Journalist Greg Palast

What a great guy.

This guy has some hedge funds that bought up Argentina’s debt for bargain prices ($50 Million) after its financial crisis, then demanded full repayment. Former Argentine President Cristina Fernández de Kirchner refused to pay calling the firms “vulture funds.” But under new President Mauricio Macri, Argentina has agreed to pay $4.65 billion to four hedge funds, including Elliott Management, run by Paul Singer.

What a coincidence that some newly elected official would flip the decision on a previous stance. No way was that set up. No way that election was influenced by money. No way.

The deal would see the hedge funds take about 75 percent of what they demanded from Argentina—several times more than what they actually paid for the debt. Singer’s fund itself netted $2.4 billion—10 to 15 times its original investment.

Journalist Greg Palast has an article called “Rubio’s Billionaire Wins Ransom from Argentina.” that’s got some inside scoop for more of a read.


Don’t worry, Argentina is doing just fine. It’s not like the economy has been in a deep recession and the country has also had to delay payments on around $100 billion of local and foreign debt.

A note from a Friend

Dear Unethical Vulture Capitalists,

Capitalists of all margins and behemoths ought to establish institutions that deal with our inevitable plights succinctly, honestly, and without presumed virtue; without history’s cognitive failures; without the prime drive to accrue and hoard, without the pledge to spend unconsciously and to relish and prosper in the debt beholden to our futures. Our world cannot fall into the hands of predators who value the immediate gratification of capital, social, or spiritual rewards in expense of the future. We cannot fall prey to the extinction of our species to better the livelihoods of inept or complacent minds who do not care about their fellow human, nor the industry they take part in for continuation of civilization. The profit motive is that of the future and our ability to survive. This is not surviving, this is enduring. There will come a time when we cannot endure any longer. Hysteria exhausts rapidly. Endurance does not. What is the half-life of progress? Through ivory screens, we ought not to plead mercy, complacency, or for state-enforced redistribution, but that of thought: a return to the primitive struggles we’d escape if we knew better, of better futuremaking.

-A friend To The Animositic Regrets

In Closing

The question is,
Did you see the person fail, and then swoop in?
Did you help to see that the person fail, and then swoop in?

Are you a salvager or a parasite?

*Not Valid Financial, Legal, Life, or Any Advice

For more information, check out the Art of Vulture Investing from a trustworthy Business man.

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