Halloween is coming up within the next 365.25 days and that’s a good thing. What’s better than good? Great! And Taxes are a great thing, and kids should learn how great they are.
So this Halloween, you have to do your part to incorporate some of that Halloween spirit with this instructional guide to responsible guardianship. This trick should be a festive activity, like carving pumpkins, a standard tradition on your part.
By part, I mean maximize the capitalistic gains of profiteering virtually-free-labor-less chocolate and candied goods at the expense of children.
These are the
easy 4 steps on how to do just that!
1. Go chaperone some children
You can use your children, your nephews, nieces, or go ahead an adopt a random child just for an excuse to go out and get candy.
For the Men, you should probably shave that mustache before you walk around with a whole bunch of children, you just might be within 1,000 meters of a school.
For those Ladies, make sure that you have an age-inappropriate, over-sexualized, costume that way you can look like a responsible guardian next to a whole bunch of children.
Pack into your car and go to rich neighborhoods and moderately nice houses. No need to actually get free candy from your neighborhood, when you can visit rich people with King sized candy bars. They have money, so of course they spend on dumb things like Halloween.
In fact, you can drive around and look for the swarm of children. Kids stick around the places that offer the best candies. Go ahead and watch out for those cute-dressed-up-little-speed-bumps as you make your way to a good spot to park.
2. Pick up the pace
Make it a race, you need to hit all the houses, every-last-one of them. Heck, you should start early, before the sun-walkers even get out of work. The early bird gets the worm after all, and gummy worms are pretty delish.
You see, children have small legs. So that means their pace is rather an unfortunate small stride. You know, slow. Retarded. Yea, their little legs are retarded.
Fortunately, you can just carry children and run with them. If you’re smart and prepared, you could get a golf cart to carry the children. Wheels add speed or something. Or something that can fit in the trunk of your window-less van, you know, with all that space.
Heck, be a rickshaw and just lug the youngin’s in a wagon!
Go through every house and maximize the profiteering. It is important for the next step that you complain about all the work you’re putting in for the kids to have candy.
3. Get to divvying the loot, start the tax.
Hopefully you’ve made it back home or to some hearth to feel safe enough to split the spoils and swag. In fact, a shady back alley or crack den will do too.
Gather all the children around and tell them to dump out their candies in front of them. Best to split up the children so they’re responsible for their own share.
Bonus: if you want to practice some communism, you can tell children to dump all their candy into one pile.
Tell them to take a step back, those heathens might’ve ate some before. You can’t trust them, they’re not even old enough to have life experiences let-alone drink alcohol. Definitely not trust-worthy.
Make them stare at the candy pile, while you pull out your phone. Now start looking at your phone and pretend to read.
Say something like “by federal provisions this is the proclamation and I am here to take the tax of candies that is due onto me. The laborer. . . ” go on and on like you’re reading a great script until they’re bored or confused or scared or all-of-the-above.
Bonus points if you used big words randomly and science-fiction terms like Carbon-Tax.
Now you get to remind them that you pulled the wagon, or did the running, or whatever. Remind them how hard you worked. Say that you get a X percentage of the candy because you deserve it.
You know, any number between 5% and 50% of their share should work. You get to pick anyway, it’s all a scam.
Bonus: If you want to show them what tax brackets are. Just take more from those that have more.
Bonus: If you want to show what discrimination is, just take some more from people just because you don’t like them, or they’re too short, or annoying, or whatever.
4. The Shake down and the audit
Alright, you might have some smart youngin’s.
Did I say smart? I meant dishonest.
Some of them might be onto your antics, and they might’ve hid their candy in secret-places to avoid you taking what’s yours.
(Especially if this is the second Halloween that you’ve done this.)
This is called TAX EVASION.
Highly illegal, and if they’re caught then you need to punish them, with time-out and MORE TAX.
So find out where their stash is, maybe in their pockets? Perhaps in their socks? These tiny crotch-goblins get innovative and smart.
When you find their stash, take more candy from them, heck take it all. They don’t need candy in time-out.
Remind the children that this is the real world, and you either play by the rules or get punished by the rules. You know, the unwritten made-up-on-the-spot ones.
5. The refund (optional)
Some kiddies need to get their refund. As long as you are willing to split some of the candy, and give the excess back to the kids. You can.
This makes it so everyone should have a share, or whatever they paid into. You know, kind of like real taxes.
Tell them that the government steals your money, then holds onto it, and gives some of it back.
Emphasis on SOME, because this is a lesson in life. Don’t go easy on them because they’re young troglodytes.
Your children, or whomever you rob, should now know the importance of taxes and how great they are.
They might even learn a bit about Tax evasion. Which is a plus! You might want them to learn tax avoidance, you know, for legal reasons.
Remember, that this is entirely educational, and made up, and not a scam.
*Not Valid Financial, Legal, Life, or Any Advice