Stonks Lesson 1: The Advance Phystonks

The super advanced, not-dumbed-down version for stonk traders, that will always guarantee a 9000% negative return on investments

This is a Satire Lesson plan to get you to realize that nothing is a safe bet. You know, no safe bets. Anything you learn here should be written down and then promptly burned in a class 4 fire. Retard discretion is advised.

Alright you future degenerate in training, we’ll discuss the fundamentals on the money hole known as the stock market. In this course, you’ll learn how to effectively yeet your money and lose your leveraged margins and debt.

This advice is completely negative and will undoubtedly be a detriment to your health, both physically and financially. In fact, you should probably do the opposite of everything here, whatever this is all Not Valid Financial, Legal, Life, or Any Advice.

Stonk talk

Stonks(also known as Stocks or shares for non-investors) are these shitty little pieces of a shitty company that you didn’t care about. Basically, a company exists and it can be split up in a percentage of fractional worth of the company. Each bit or each piece is called a ‘stock’.

Still lost? Imagine this scenario.

Company “go fuck yourself” exists, they have decided that they’ll have only 1,000 shares. The shares are valued for however much money is in the pot to be invested. So if there is 10,000 dollars, than each share in theory is worth 10 bucks.

So there is this market place where assholes trade these shares. The public exchange, for most people. Here, people can put up their shares for sale, or put a bid to buy shares.

Some people might sell shares of “go fuck yourself” for 11$.

Some people might try to buy shares of “go fuck yourself” for 9$.

Whatever is in between what buyers are willing to buy, and what sellers are willing to sell, is the market price.

So if stonks go up, that means more people are buying at a higher value than there are sellers selling at a lower value. And remember, stonk only go up.

stonks - YouTube
Only go up

Stock Tickers

The stock will have a short little name that will be listed in the public exchange. It is usually three or four letters. This short little name is called a stock ticker. You don’t have to know that, just know that people yeet their money to these three or four letter symbols.

Tesla stock Ticker is $TSLA

Amazon’s stock Ticker is $AMZN

“Go Fuck yourself” stock ticker would be like $GFYS

Shit like that

(At the time of writing, $GFYS was not a used ticker, so fuck off)

To be fair

Companies don’t put all of their shares on the public market. Because, then some asshole could (in theory) buy all the shares. And then that asshole would own the company. You only need 51% of a company to make all the decisions, or whatever.

So a Company would sell something like 30% of their shares on the public market. The rest of the shares would be owned by the company, CEO, employees, private investors, and Employee stock programs, and other shitty backroom deals with shitty retirement fund shits.

Companies don’t start out listed on the public exchange. They have to meet certain made up requirements by the FTC, SEC, and other alphabet bois to get listed. Get a credit rating from the Better Business Burrito or some other scam.

After a Company builds enough money, capital, and other bullshit; they can open up and get listed on the public exchange. This is called an IPO, or an Initial Public Offering. Think of it like a K-pop star debut, its not much different, you know, buying them.


The Public exchange I reference, is the NYSE or the New York Stock Exchange. Located in New York,-durr- this is the American Trading Market for Stonks, and has a long history of gambling since 1900s and such.

There are other Exchanges in other countries. The Korean Exchange, Athens Exchange for Greeks, the Chinese exchange, Japanese Exchange, and Hong Kong exchange, etc. etc. A bunch of markets to lose your moneys.

Any degenerate American trading in exchanges outside the NYSE, would be called a Forex Trader. Forex stands for Foreign Exchange. These Forex traders are a special group of autists.


Stock brokers are your key to get in the door of an exchange. They help ‘broker’ a deal for you, they might charge a commission and what not. They have a license to do this sort of thing, so they are your ‘buy-in’.

In the 21st Century, there’s a whole bunch of apps that will help you lose your money.

Someshit, go look it up

Pro tip, if you get a broker that charges a commission, you lose your money faster. PER TRADE, it’s great.


A portfolio is a bunch of stocks invested in one account. They call it a ‘portfolio’ because stocks used to be traded on paper. So you’d have a file, folder, or *ahem* a portfolio that would have your hardly-earned vested tendies.

yellow and gray softbound book near brown clip board
Imagine, having to stash your porn in these at the office. That folder lookin’ hella thicc

Ever heard of “don’t put your eggs in one basket”? Well, a portfolio helps to diversify your tendies into various other shits. You might have shares in ten companies, I mean, what are the chances that all ten companies go tits up?

See, so a portfolio helps make sure you’re not fully invested in one stonk.

Just be careful to not spread yourself too thin, to the point where you can’t manage your portfolio. Like there is a lot of news, and if you can’t keep up with what’s relevant, then hopefully you’re not an active investor or gambler.


An Index tracks the performance of industries and other made up shit. It basically is a way to have some numbers on where things are going. Up or down, or some shit.

Plural index are called indices. That’s really important and will be on the test at the end of this segment, the test is 5 years long, so hopefully you’ve settled your estate, written your will, and used the bathroom.

white printed poster
That’s the “Dow Jones” guy that the talking heads on T.V. are talking about

You can’t buy indices, it’s not a company. It’s just some stupid ruler that says stonks go up. They all have some math or something, idk, stonks go up. That’s the lesson here.


The market has a whole bunch of companies that do different shit, and somehow make money. So what you need to do is figure out if you want to double down balls deep in a sector, or diversify your shit.

Blue chip stocks, things like tech, computers, computer chips, or whatever AI overlord producing companies. It’s called Blue chip after a gambling chip that’s blue, because wall street is a bunch of gamblers, and the NYSE is the casino.

Food and Beverage, people gotta eat. or they die, so as long as there is people, they gunna eat something. Maybe a big franchise or a popular name brand. Stuff and stuff.

Real estate, because you can buy shares of over valued mortgage and housing portfolios. Commercial Fake-estate and other bologna land assets.

Bio-bullshit stocks. Something something, bio tech something, medical, something I’m not a doctor nor do I care about ‘living’ or ‘health’. Gross.

Becky stocks, think whatever a valley girl would buy. Candles and scents from Bed Bath or Johnson or whatever. Think ‘pink’ and ‘consoomer’ stuff. The basic white girl package, you know, starbucks, makeup, and other non-essential decadence of first world society.

photo of woman holding white and black paper bags
Becky Stonks only go up

You can always split up stuff into things that are similar. The list goes on and on, whatever.

In Closing

This was basically a 101 course explaining the basics of what things are, what they mean, and something about stonks. I forgot, the point is that all of this is bad advice and shouldn’t be taken.

Now, if you’re a savy investor, then you probably don’t need anymore lessons. You’re good to take the test and win all the money. That’s right, every 50 years in the NYSE, there is a championship belt challenge to test to see who deserves to own the market. Warren Buffet won the last one, and the next one is coming up this March, good luck, you’re ready.

(Remember, Cocaine and Hookers, that’s on the test)

If you win the NYSE belt, then you gotta go international and fight the other belt holders. This way you get the world belt, I’m already excited to see you take on Russia and Japan. You’ll make Murica proud!

Stonks only only only ever go up. And as a disclaimer, I have vested shares in all stonks and am telling you to buy all stonks so my shares go up. I am totally making money from all your decisions and poor life choices, don’t think I won’t. Cheers, and remember;

*Not Valid Financial, Legal, Life, or Any Advice

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