Besides having a free pass to being an Asshole, everybody thinks that you’re some kind of hero for being an organ donor.

It seems everywhere you go, people brag about the fact that they have something on their identification card that tells people you can harvest their organs.

Congratu-fucking-lations for checking a box, or better yet, just telling some depraved, craven, clinically-depressed government worker ‘yes‘.

For some reason, people just love the fact that if they’re ever in a freak accident, the first thing they’ll do is dig for your identification card to see if they can go right for your organs.

Your life might have some value -but your organs definitely do. Fact.

After all, why not disappoint first responders, doctors, and the thousands of people on a organ-wait list -by opting out and not being an organ donor?

Well, let’s say you checked that box. You-Organ-Donor-you. Forget the fact that you could possibly still have a pulse, the first thing you hear the paramedic yell is, “THEY’RE AN ORGAN DONOR!!” If you’re going to be in some kind of freak accident (knock on wood), then at least try to stay conscious enough to tell the paramedic to try to save your life so you can enjoy the organs a little longer.

bUt i cAn bRaG

I hear you, I hear you. Yes, having “ORGAN DONOR” is like having a medal of honor you want to carry around in your pocket just to brag about the fact that you’re willing to give away your organs so easily. It’s a good icebreaker you can bring up during awkward dates when there’s absolutely no conversation left.

You can talk about the fact that you’re so selfless and willing to part with the very organs -that failed to keep you alive- when you die.

That’s always been something that’s very confusing. If your organs were good enough for donation, then why weren’t they good enough to keep you alive?

Obviously, your organs didn’t like you enough and wanted to move to a different body. Yes, that is definitely something you want to bring up when you have absolutely nothing else to talk about during a bad date.

The Value of an Organ

When you think of black market organ trading, it’s not as simple as walking through a crowded underground alley of stands with kidneys hanging off a shelf with price tags in them. You have to talk to people and do things. Honestly, its gross, talking with people. Much better buying it off-line-on-line the dark web or some other hydra-silk road. Much better.

It’s no secret that organs are very valuable. There’s always some weird news of some obscure country you’ve-never-heard-of being wrapped up in illegal organ harvesting and trading.

I mean, whatever happened to plain old human-sex-trafficking?

It’s already insane thinking about the fact that the organs that kept someone alive are going to be living in someone else’s body. The organs make up a large portion of the body, that means when you donate your organs, you’re essentially putting half of yourself into another body. It’s like a Frankenstein patchwork of body parts made up of different people to sustain the life of another body. What was the word, ‘abomination’?

We also wrongly think we can reconnect nervous tissues and nerve cells. Naaw, let’s pretend that neurons and your nervous system doesn’t play a role in your conscious being.

Ignore the fact that the human heart has like a bazillion nerve clusters and could arguably function as a second brain. Nope, there’s no scientific basis for ‘gut feelings’ or any other organ with nerves.

It’s not like the heart can think or you can have a ‘gut feeling’ of real tangible intuition.

Especially when we haven’t really studied it, so ignore that.

Unexplained or unobserved science is just plain witch craft, and magic is make-believe. Duh.

No way, just snip snip and transplant that shit. BAM.

That’s the power of organs. That’s why they’re so expensive.

You Should Sell Organs Instead

Organs have value, and money follows value. So make da monay.

Think of it like prostitution, but instead of leasing your reproductive genitalia, you’re selling organs outright. Like you would a car or your shoes.
Simply put,

No big deal.

Why wait until after you’re dead to give the gift of organs?

Why wait for you to get drunk, roofied, and then wake up in an icebath in a condemned apartment in South Bronx?

You gotta, think ahead of the game, sell it before they take it, Mercantilism 101.

Whether your a hunter, doctor, or a black market merchant, you gotta store your meat in the cold. An ice bucket or dry ice Styrofoam box will do.

Just how much are organs worth? Well, if you’re trying to sell them legally, then you might run into a few hurdles.

What are your business expenses?

Where are you operating out of?

What about da taxes?

How do you launder da monay?

Do you have a license?

No, having a driver’s license and working out of your garage does not make for a business. Especially if you’re harvesting organs from people who would really like to keep them.

However, if you do somehow find a way to legally sell organs you can get up to a million dollars for a heart alone. Maybe that’s why people are trying to pass off a cow’s heart for a human heart. Seeing as the two hearts are very similar, or so I’m told. . .

The next organ that is especially pricy is a liver, you know, the organ that is somehow keeping people alive through enthusiastically-crippling alcoholism.

If you’re a buyer, then you’ll find cheaper prices on the black market, but you may want to ask about their supply network. You’re not going to find much use out of getting organs from grave robbers.

You may have better luck trying to strike a deal with a not-so-ethical mortician.

Conspiracy

It’s only natural that we talk about conspiracy theories!

Why, give me a second.

*pulls out crack pipe*

*Starts toking*

where was I?

Oh yea, fucking energy madlad. FUCKING ENERGY-

Anyway, if you donate Organs, you might end up dead. For your organs. I mean, you can’t argue what you signed before you die, when you’re dead. Right?

So just say no to assisted-suicide bills.

The idea of a Doctor being an Angel of Death and pulling your life support conveniently next to all this organ-harvesting equipment is a real thing.

I would totally cite articles, but I’m already on a watch list, so you should just research it yourself. That way, you and I can be watch-list buddies. BFFs even.

You’ll live longer if you just man up and stick to regular suicide.

You know, without the help of a doctor determining when you should die.

That’s right, assisted suicide is a scam, so say no to that.

In Closing

Either way, the whole concept of organ donation is bad. You shouldn’t be an organ donor. What good are expensive organs if you’re not going to be around to profit off of it?

You may be able to live without a kidney, but after that, you’re going to be rolling down the streets of Los Angeles on a respirator if you’re going to sell a lung.

If you really want to have an icebreaker at a date just tell them you thought about being an organ donor but realized the organs had more value in your body where you can live long enough to finally cash out with your 401k before the Economy collapses.

It’s like playing chicken with a train, but your life savings are on the line.

This article was brought to you by Blood Money. Where money is more valuable after baptizing it in red juices. As always;

*Not Valid Financial, Legal, Life, or Any Advice.