Dating, job hunting, keeping-it-going, it’s all the same. A relation-ship, whether or not you ‘ship’ it, well, that’s dependent on your brain and the lack of money in your pocket.

Wall street confessions has great secrets on how people get a leg up in life, jumping from one shitty partner to the next, eventually landing to your dream gig. The point is, people are secretive and their dirty secrets are juicy. Consider me your Money Priest, because I’ve heard some juicy confessions. I’ll give you money blessings if you call me daddy- I mean, Father.

*ahem*

Anyways-

The first few dates are all about lying

Look, getting a job, or a date, is all about lying. You gotta nab a great first impression with this prospective client. Think of the first impression as ‘Do I really want to spend time with this asshole?’ and then try to make it not insufferable. Because they WILL replay this memory over and over and over again.

Get a good shave going, a small buff from gyming a little, and some sort of air of arrogance. The trick is, you want to give the illusion that you’re not as shallow as you really are!

Doesn’t matter if you’re a dude or a dude-et, you can always use make up to deceptively make yourself look better than you really are. Go ahead and get dolled up and look plastic so you can imprint a beautiful image of a clown in their heads. Don’t forget your clown shoes and attire.

let’s face it, you’re not going to be a hero. In fact, no one wants you to be (not even your mother). They just want you to be good enough to do the job or last-in-bed or whatever. Until the next sucker, duh.

Now, if you’re scouting for a date or a job, it’s good to have friends.

“If you’re trying to go fast, go alone. If you’re trying to go far, go together.”
-Some made up proverb

You’re already lying out your ass to get ahead in this, why not go far together? See, friends can help lie for you. Which means they can make you seem better than your actually are. So if you lie for your friends, in turn, they should lie for you. A nice little exchange of lies.

Hell, you can even dial up random strangers and have them lie for you, like a bro. Check out this little golden nugget of Aussie Radio (if you have the time, but you’re here, so might as fucking well).

Who cares if you suck, you just need to slip the image of you-not-sucking in their mind. Slap em with that good old Johari’s window of not sucking.

So leverage the fact that these clowns don’t know you’re part of the circus. Just lie your way in like a typical carni-convict. Honest folks really, minus the stealing and lying and uhh- what.

Now you got the job, or are in the relationship, now what?

Now you show your skills, all the while trying to get a raise. You know, more money or more Bjs. The perks.

Try things that you’ve never done before, pretending like its the real-you, and prove you worth. You simply do this by researching everything and faking it like an expert bull-shiter. I mean, someone’s gotta watch these YouTube videos on making an omelet, why else would they exist? Now you can fake being a master chef.

Never cooked excel books before? now’s the time! Just take that floppy drive and set it on fire.

Never had to dress for the occasion? Well, now you have an audience that will judge you for it!

Is this your first time speaking a language or programming languages? Well Google can translate or code for you!

Have you made unfullfilable promises? Perfect! They’ll think you’ll fulfill them and be incredulously amazed that they thought you would.

Make sure you are constantly visibly stressed in front of them, that way they ask you “what’s wrong” and other empty questions devoid of real empathy.

This question is a trick. So expertly avoid it by responding with vague statements like “I’m doing this for you”, or “for our future”.

If none of those answers peak your fancy, just slag it out with a “I’ll survive”, or the greatest response “I’m fine”.

This sort of vague answer, leaves you as a more mysterious type. Making you a threat, which you can leverage as a skill in discipline. I mean, have you killed anyone yet? No? See, discipline! What a romantic. Give this person a pay raise!

The real point is, that you seem like you’re working extra hard. This will give you bonus points with your boss or significant other.

Tip #2

You might be asking where Tip#1 is, well here’s a tip. Now we’re on Tip number 2.

Make sure you pick up unhealthy obsessions that way your company or your significant other can see how hard you work. Things like chain smoking, drinking profusely, being always hungover, tired constantly, and smelling like burnt-out cheap cologne.

Simply overworked, and underpaid. This makes significant others sympathetic to you, while companies think they’re squeezing your life force for what it’s worth, (they feel like they get a great deal seeing how low your hourly wage is compared to your coworker).

Tip#3

Relationships are like having a job, you need to be an expert in Communication.

By ‘communication’ I mean negotiations. Always have a card up your sleeve and be prepared to remind them of the last holiday party. It’s a game, and the goal is to fucking win while being insufferable to those around you. Parley at the table of war, because that’s what love and corporate life is all about. War and money and things.

Remember to write your emails and leave notes as passive aggressively as you can. Make it so that coworkers and your dating companion constantly feel like they’re stepping on glass shards. This is the guaranteed best way to make sure they doubt themselves and their actions, allowing you to have the initiative to confront them on baseless accusations before they find out how big of a clown you are. If the focus is on them, it can’t be on you. Just redirect, or better yet, misdirect. Psychopath 101, easy peeeeeezy.

Hell, make sure you talk about childhood trauma or whatever dumb asinine shit that comes out your mouth. The best thing you can do is remind others that you’re better than them.

And Gaslight them for it, because that’s what good co-workers/significant others do.

Tip#4

Like any good job, they are always ready to fire you. So you always got to be on your toes, or knees, proving your worth and value. Much like a relationship.

In fact, before they can cheat on you with another future-employee, you gotta keep your doors open. Think ahead of your potential separation by looking for other future prospective companies or dating fish. This way, you’re not locked into being a corporate simp slaving for some meager amounts of bread or sex.

If you find one(a job or an upgrade), always mention it and offer it as an out to get more out of your current relationship.

If loosely-threatening doesn’t work, than just switch partners to maximize your gains.

I honestly forgot if I was giving relationship advice or job advice. Honestly most of the advice is interchangeable to both.

Lol, just yolo and quit both.

Bonus points if you get a job in dating. Like a hooker or an escort. Because now both of the worlds are the same and all of this makes complete garbage of sense.

Based on all of this considerably great advice; consider me a match maker, relationship advice expert, or a human trafficker.

-That’s what Human Resources is all about right? Using Humans as resources. Moving people to where ‘they belong’, like a slave! or an ex… *ahem*

Solid Relationship Advice

We’ve had plenty of relationships. Some with businesses, some with countries, even many with nobody.

If your relationship is failing, use money. Money fixes every problem, even a noisy one like your spouse.

If you get caught cheating and money doesn’t work. Just be like the Legend Kobe Bryant and sprinkle some diamonds. you know, buy your girl a diamond ring. A shiny rock. Something with inherent intrinsic value but is artificially inflated.

As always, this is

*Not Valid Financial, Legal, Life, or Any Advice