The Greatest Christmas Present for free

Holy Holi- Hoe days are coming and you need to think on your feet. I got you, trying to be ahead of the curve and save money. What’s the word? Cheap, yea! You’re trying to be cheap!

You might be strapped for cash because you took thanksgiving stock advice from an autist in your family to yeet and yolo on some recent PLTR calls. I get it, I get it, your genetics is bad. Just like mine, but I’m here to help you out. . . For Free. (ew)

If you got money, you probably could do the rational thing and ask what people want. Decide from their laundry list of useless shit, then get them the thing that would make most pragmatic sense and be a game changer. But if you broke, then that means Santa is also broke.

This is how Santa really be though.

What better present to give, than your presence?

That’s right, leave your family and don’t speak a word. Nothing. Leave like you would a refuge panicking to escape the Gestapo or whatever world power drone striking your village in (insert country) war.

Just say you’re going out for a ‘pack of smokes’ or something. You don’t have to smoke, no one cares.

If they care, they’ll try to call you or CoNtAct you, or even file a missing persons report.

Like a Clown.

Well, they need at least 24 hours or something to file a missing persons report, so they’ll just add to the circus. (unless you’re like from a wealthy, affluent, white family, then the cops will care or something).

You just got to make your loved ones feel helpless, and longing, and missing you.

Make them despair, this part is critical. Because hope is relatively much better when people don’t think there is any.

Hell, make ominous and mysterious clues, a gore scene somewhere. Stage a fake struggle and toss a few things. Leave a note written in ominous hand writings, foreboding feeling is great for the festive spirit.

If you have some of those in-home cameras, you can watch your family degrade from a safe distance.

Then, you wait until Christmas day.

And you show up!

Bingo, they either care about you or they don’t!

If they ask, just say vague statements like “I love you, and I would talk about it, but I can’t and I want you to know. That what ever happens, I will always love you.”

Your family doesn’t need to know that this is all a prank -bro, no need. They got the gift that matters, yours truly.

If they don’t care about you, then that’s good too! That way, you can do the same thing next Christmas, but with the plot twist that you don’t show up! Never to return!

That’ll teach your son or daughter a lesson! Think of it like running away from home, but for adults.


You might celebrate some other -equally- stupid holiday like quanza or hanoko or sudoku -whatever. Point is, you have to think expertly hard at how you want to do all of this. You know, make it last.

So help by making it a puzzle game, get some other family members in on it. Have a half of the family just Dip out, and start returning one-by-one like some Children of the Corn Holiday special.


Bonus Bonus

20 Best Christmas Memes to Share - Funny Christmas Memes and Pictures
He can Judge, because he doesn’t exist

If you really think about it, Santa is an allegory that represents the watchful eye of ‘big brother’ and ‘god’. You see, every year he sees you and judges you. As if his morals are absolute compared to yours.

20 Best Christmas Memes to Share - Funny Christmas Memes and Pictures
He knows if you’ve been naughty

And then you’ll have people snitch on you, like your brothers and sisters, because that’s what holiday spirit is all about. Report your friends and family, to your local Santa Helper’s today. The Ministry of Truth is ready to deliver presents or Tax credits to those who are compliant.

The Day | 1984 at 70: Still relevant says Orwell's son
Make kids like the idea of being watched

Don’t worry about Surveillance Capitalism and mining all your information to be sold for and at your convenience. I mean, it’s been subliminally primed in your subconscious with the introduction of Santa Clause.

In Closing

I’m giving out free tips and gift ideas. I might as well be Santa at this point.

You’re welcome,

Honestly, holidays outside of the blood sacrifices and ritualistic nature are a bunch of money hoarding scams. All people do is buy you-se-less trinkets, tickets, and then fly across the world to spend their meager amounts of time with people they literally moved thousands of miles to get-away-from. Lol, like, this is unsustainable at a detriment to your financial health, but wut eva mate.

Love? Gross.

Yea, don’t think about how you actually value your time and money by focusing around your family and a stronger family unit. Or the idea of communicating gifts and expectations to be reasonable and not some spoiled first world bullshit for a new Play X Station Box or whatever man, children, man-children are into these days.

Family and Love? Those are scams too. Useless attachments that only limit and chain you down.

You might as well buy a one-way ticket to Mars, and forgo the life you left behind. I mean, you don’t have the courage to fix your shit relationship, or even mend it. So why bother? Why not just drown on some shit-nog like the rest of us and pretend to give a shit when our time’s up and done?

Happy holidays you degenerate pagans!

Oh, and don’t kill yourself because of the winter blues or being family-less. I still need Slaves! You’ll be a part of the family, just at a lower caste. . .

*Not Valid Financial, Legal, Life, or Any Advice

Leave a Reply