WTF are Golden Handcuffs? Another Scam?

Golden handcuffs are a great thing, they’re like golden collars that you wear around your neck. Hey, you look like a talented young sport, why not sign up for some awesome money and some golden accessories?

You want 100k right now, right?

After all, you want to be iced out in gold and fashion, right? You want that life of glitz, glitter, and glamour? That shining shimmering swagger?

Well, easy, sign this contract here and here. Now put on this gold collar, ignore the gold chains on them, it’s just extra bling. You’ll be looking like a Flavor Flav or a Mr. T, it’s all good.

It’s on? Nice, now you’re my sla- . . . Dog. Yes, you’re my new dog.

Bark, you mongrel.

shiba inu wearing sunglasses
A picture of you, in your new Golden Sla- Dog Collar

Oh, that 100k earlier? Yea, if you read the contract you’ll know that you’ll be getting those in installments after we take fees for taxes and management and distribution and so much fees. It’s expensive being rich, don’t you know that?

Darling, you won’t get far if you keep arguing with me, I’m your owne- I mean, Manager. Yes, I’m your Manager Hun.

Truth, A Golden Handcuff

A “golden handcuff” is something that you sign yourself into willingly that tethers you down to obligations. They’re golden because it was some sort of financial gain or riches that incentive you into doing this. It’s like a slavery work contract in some cases. These Golden handcuffs go by other names to keep you working, such as:

A Contract,
A Guberment Yob,
A journalist or news anchor *ahem*
A Professional athlete,
A Hooker,
A Salary,
A Record deal,
A Starring Role, (minus the star part, of course)
A commissioning,
Employee Benefits,
Employee stock options,
401K or Pension plan,
Terms and Agreements,
An Agreement,
A Work Visa,
An Hourly Wage,
(In theory, weddings)

Did I name everything that could be applicable to you?

You might bedazzle the shit out of your chain, but if your contract doesn’t have you as equals, then you’re not equal. No shit.

Some idiot slaves compare the wear and tear of their chains. These idiots say things like “my chain is more rusted then yours”, “my chain has more marks than yours”, or “I work night shifts”. Idiots.

Idiots who compares their suffering as if its some sort of virtue of piety. As if their suffering is some exaltation of their existence. Gross. Like all you do in life is bitch about your ‘work’, and you take ‘pride’ in that?

That sounds GR-OH-SSSSS. Don’t forget to Bark.

Bling Bling Mutha F#CKer

You see, you’re a high-class intellectual, meaning you won’t settle for mediocre slavery. You want your ball and chain to be golden. Slap some Benjamins on that and call me Daddy, that’s what you want right? Stacks on stacks of cash, doe, green, bands, bread, and butter?

Here, put on one of these ties:

accessories accessory business clothing
No, pick the one on the far right, didn’t you read your contract?

Now drive this nice car, and make sure you mad flex on Instagram. Show how much ‘freedom’ you have by bragging about how long the chain on your collar is. You slave.

You see, you might be living a life of appearances, but your lifestyle may not actually reflect your livelyhood. Smoke and mirrors baby, just Hollywood effects 1-Oh-1.

90% business, 10% show, it’s show-business. Was it the other way around? Whatever, I’ll do some maths and bill you for the work I do.

Turns out, if you actually read the fine print on your contract, we own everything. By ‘we’, I mean not ‘you’.

So ‘your’ cars, clothes, music, work, production, means of production, your face, your image, your ‘like-ness’ or whatever, yeah. Haha, We own all of that.


Oh yea, don’t forget, us owning all this stuff means we have to manage it. So. . . We have a rather large management fee for all of this. Didn’t you read your contract? It’s right there, after the ‘forfeiture of your rights’ and before the ‘power of attorney’ segments.

Yea, so while you look like a millionaire, you’re actually living on what we give you. Don’t forget, you’re not allowed to talk about your lifestyle, living arrangements, food, travel plans, or anything. Especially to family; it’s in your -like- contract.

Talking about those things is a breach of your contract, and that’s a big no-no.

Even Kanye Talks about it

If you ever breach ‘our’ contract, then you’ll have to pay all the fees, bonuses, and all the other expenses back ten-fold with interest, and taxes paid. Don’t worry, I’ve already booked everything on credit for the next 50 years, so you just have to slave away and we, I mean I, should be fine.


I know what you’re thinking, this doesn’t happen ‘right’?

Example 1

Ha, its not like someone hasn’t legally controlled their life and fortune in 12 years. Right?

That would be crazy!

Yea, so turns out. Britney Spears was an over sexualized teen pop star that signed the dastardly shitty golden contract. She constantly got told what to do and how to do it. It was like the military or slavery but with more glitter.

Think K-pop, just less korean.

So Britney obviously didn’t like that, like a rational thinking human, and she cut her hair because that was one of the things she could do. You know, disfigure your figure that corporations make money off of, in spite.

Of course paparazzi and the tabloid just sold it as her being crazy, but really who are the crazy ones? The demons that feed off of her song and dance (I’m talking about you and I kid), or an innocent puppet constantly bitch-slapped into a box. -Yea, Britney ain’t crazy, and I heard she’s back, bitch.

Example 2

Or how about this actress who was the least paid staff member on set? She had the lead role too! That’s right, Miley Cyrus was paid the shavings off of coins, not literally, but fuck it, literally. This is satire, what do you want?

Yea, always lowball child stars, I mean, they’re children. They don’t even know what a lawyer does. Which quite frankly, I don’t even know what a lawyer does, they just keep billing me “for hours” for hours.

Don’t worry, when she grew up, she became a lead for a satirical thought-provoking horror story on golden handcuffs.

Also, keep in mind that the industry just churns these child stars like butter. Bella Thorne, Demi Lovato, a whole bunch of names and stuff get screwed with a contract. Like puppets on a string.

Example 3

Hell, even Famous Comedian, Dave Chappelle, got fucked by a contract.

People think I made a lot of money from ‘Chappelle’s Show. When I left that show, I never got paid. They didn’t have to pay me because I signed the contract. But is that right? I found out that these people were streaming my work and they never had to ask me or they never have to tell me. Perfectly legal because I signed the contract. But is that right? I didn’t think so either. . .

And I do — I think if you are fucking streaming that show you’re fencing stolen goods. They stole that from me. They just took it. And I’m not here trying to tell you guys that I believe Comedy Central gave me a raw deal just because I’m black. I believe they gave me a raw deal because this fucking industry is a monster.


In Closing

Well, if you’re looking for a fresh pair of indentured servitude hand-cuffs, you can always join the military. Heck, its a great life, they tell you what to do, when to do it, and even when you can sleep! It’s great.

Don’t worry, we all get freedom eventually. Just don’t sell your soul until then.
(I’m talking about death you cunt)

Golden Hand Cuffs are scams and at it’s worst, it’s slavery.

At it’s best, a stupid nine-to-five job with the illusory freedom (coupled with the hopes and dreams) of quitting. -But opting not to quit and pursue your dreams because you need the money and jobs-are-hard-to-come-by-security or something.

So yeah, wage-slavery.

Slavery or slavery, the options are fan-tastic.

The world is a dark place so don’t forget to light your matchsticks on a cold-winter, instead of selling them because you can’t get any buyers since they’re all indoors with their family on a holiday while you are orphaned to the streets. You poor, starving, child-pauper, you.

lit matchstick
It’s dark, I’m hungry, It’s cold, I’m cold. . . Is anybody out there?

Jeez, it’s a joke. Stop being so emotional, they’re just words. I swear on my previous Financial Suicide that No Child was harmed in the making of this Article by yours truly, the abuse of Golden handcuffs on the other hand. . .

*Not Valid Financial, Legal, Life, or Any Advice

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