Plain and simple, like the simple green lawns that litter the dreaded hellscape called Suburbia. It’s a plethora of drinking the ‘false american dream’ that people take. You know, not the cool libertarian homesteading live-in-a-log-cabin-in-the-woods-on-a-mountain-with-a-bunch-of-firearms away from the prying eyes of Karen neighbors, Karen HOAs, Karen Government, and overall Karen society.
The false American dream, you know, the one. The fake American Dream of living in a house with a picket white fence and 2.5 kids. That lie they marketed to you that you lap up like a sick puppy you indentured slave, you.
Like you can’t convince me that Suburbia isn’t some sort of prison hellscape used to indoctrinate and enslave a population of servants called ‘The working class’. Yea, because you have so much unique individualism and identity when you live in these 4 walled prison cells you call a ‘home’;
Enough of the small picture stuff. I’m not here to unplug you from the matrix, go ask your sky-daddy-dickers or you rain-mommy-milkers if you want that. *Cringe*. Instead, I’m here to mad trash talk lawns and grass. So how the fuck did we get to having lawns? What the fuck are lawns about?
I mean, what the fuck is up with a grass lawn. It’s some sort of flex for people to just have some sort of cookie cutter bougieness stemmed from French aristocracy. Oh yes, we are so rich that we don’t need useful plants so our garden will be made of these little tiny useless patches of green blades. We have so much money that we can just perpetually water and have our servants toil to keep it nicely trimmed. Totally charming. Such flex. Much wow.
Oh, what’s that, you don’t have servants that trim your lawn? You have to toil with the sprinkler systems? Then you can’t afford the flex of having a lawn, you cunt.
People fork and shill a fuckton of money for ways to make their lawn good. They buy pesticides to kill the bugs that eat the grass which ironically end up killing the grass, so they buy fertilizers and seeds to replant the grass, and then they mow the lawn because it’s too tall, so they get petrol in their gas tank and mow the lawn to cut the grass, and then they get tired of having brown spots so they invest in some Rogaine-type grass planter that surgically embed grass into their brown spots. Or they might even opt out for a wig and get a grass rollout. Like, idk, Sod or some shit. Apparently Grass and hair seems to be very correlated, it’s almost like bald people are making up for their lack of haircare with a lawncare routine. Sheeesh, talk about Coping insecurities with aphorismic translations of vulnerabilities. Fuh-king-typical.
After a while of having grass- people get tired and pave over it with astroturf or just straight up fucking concrete. Like, you got so sick of watering and mowing the yard that you’ve decided to just say fuck it and pay out the ass for astroturf
or fucking rocks or some shit.
All of this while spending thousands of dollars and mowing the lawn everytime you need a haircut. That means every other week, like the slave you are. That’s also beside the fact that people put carcinogens in their ground that just runoff and seep into their water systems. Yea, totally great move to get cancer for a slightly more green yard. It’s better to look healthy than to be healthy, obviously (why do you think doctors wear white?). Well, also, some of the shit people put on their yard will just kill the grass. So it’s not much better than shooting yourself in your own foot with a cancer gun.
Like you’re just enslaving yourself with this whole mowing the lawn thing to keep up with appearances of homeownership or some other false deluded idea.
It’s also loud and annoying, the tonal frequency of a weedwhacker or lawn mower is excessive and low-vibes type shit. It’s like the growl of a bob-cat ran on gasoline. Totally shitty sounds and bad vibes. What, you want a leaf blower too so you don’t get biomatter full of nitrogen and phosphorus to dare to decompose on your green grass lawn adding to the multiplicity of nutritional value? No? Just blow the leaves and make more noise? This is why HOAs institute quiet hours. Lawncaretakers and Karens are the reasons why HOAs exist, meaning they’re the reasons why Pseudo-proto-Governments exist (obviously).
So with shitty lawns, you’ll grow flowers in designated spots instead of just having them grow naturally in the yard. You’ll essentially be zoning your own fricken lawn to decide when and where to plant things. Cordoning off a section for ‘plants’ that’ll die off in mid spring.
Anyone with any knowhow in construction or urban development knows that zoning is a scam. Why would you willingly zone your own yard in micromanagement style? What, do you also organize your drawers of clothing instead of throwing them in a clean pile and dirty pile? You organized heathen.
All of this zoning is as if people are playing god and telling Nature what it can and can’t do. Where it can and can’t grow. As if wild flowers and nature being all natural wasn’t enough, we gotta microaggressively create boundaries in imaginary space to say where, when, and what you can grow as if taming the wildlands through a conquistador colonialism of enslaving ourselves to lawncare.
Don’t worry, there are obviously no better plants that are edible or usable or better for the environment than grass. So obviously you aren’t missing out.
All of this is an “essential landscaping industry” that generates about 100 billion dollars per annum. That means year for those that don’t speak Latin; Grass, it’s that big of an industry. That’s right, it’s BIG LAWN and BIG GRASS and BIG PHARMA with fertilizers and YARD WATER Utility corporations making you pay out the ass to keep these lawns green. They are profiting from you trying to fit in to a life of slavery having to mow, water, and give a fuck about grass.
I mean, who actually gives a fuck about the environment? And now you cucked yourself into caring about tiny blades of grass? A total scam.
All the while, using water and forking over money for sprinkler systems to advance a yard to feel more ‘american’ or ‘fit in the neighborhood’. All for what? So a bunch of Robot-minded NPC-Dad-joke-factories can all agree and keep comparing their yards as if it’s a meaningful measure of life? The same people that complement grilling burgers with a beer or strapping something down and slapping it while saying “Thats not going anywhere”! Sure, weird flex, but wouldn’t your money be better spent on like, hookers and blow?
I mean, grass doesn’t even grow flowers. So for those who actually give a fuck about the environment, we just out here killing bees. Why you think Bees aren’t doing so well? Fuck Bees I guess, jeez, beegees, lmao. Fuck everything else too while we’re at it. Grass lawns are shit for biodiversity, climate, water usage, and a slew of other things that would benefit overall life on earth.
But of course, you either care for grass because you like bragging about a green thumb and having a pseudo-net-positive impact on climate. Or you fucking hate the climate and you somehow tricked yourself to simping over grass. As if you’re the grass whisperer and you’re trying to tame the wildlands with colonial pieces of asthetic shit-grains.
Because grass are grains. Not Food.
Grass is a grain, it’s like, supposed to make grains that you could harvest like rice or wheat. You could literally make bread if you had better shit. Or even better, you could make beer. But noooo, we just gonna cut grass at baby heights and sadistically torture plants as they make feeble attempts at growing. And you wonder why grass just gives up on living and dies on people’s lawns.
Perhaps if they didn’t try to double their body height and get chopped down every other week, maybe they wouldn’t just give up and kill themselves? Ever thought about that?
Forced Grass lawns are immoral and evil. The worst part, everyone just keeps maintaining their Grass lawn without second thought. Just like the Gestapo, they’re just following orders from their pre-conditioned programming living up to the ideal standards of ‘Home ownership’ and the pseudo-American-Dream. People are committing terraforming genocide and fucking up shit while adding in their chemicals for decades, and all of this is largely heralded as the status quo.
“We didn’t know any better”
-Said the Nazi Lawn caretaker.
I’m not saying that people who enjoy grass lawns should stop. I’m not calling for action or inaction, I don’t tell serial killers to stop killing, nor do I tell FBI Honeypots to stop entrapping impressionable teenagers. Grass lawns are a scam, and some people really enjoy the scam. So if you find yourself to be either an avid lawn caretaker, a serial killer, or an FBI Honeypot, then just know I disapprove of you.
Here’s some of the fucked up parts on what Cities and Governments do to oppress you,
In some places, they make it illegal to have too tall of a lawn, they make it illegal to plant certain things, they make it illegal to collect rainwater, they make it illegal to exist on grass. What, you might even plant a community garden (approved by the city), and the city will just mow it down anyway in a week or two (That is literally a thing that happened).
People care about your property value for you –Capitalist Comrade-, as if they care about you having a derelict looking property. They’re only interested in the appeal of their neighborhood and you’re too much of an ‘eyesore’. Fuck suburbia and neighbors that can peer into the windows of your home as if they’re daring enough to stare into the pitch black windows of my soul. (I’m talking about my eyes you cunts).
The city will call for lawn services, then bill you later for it. It’s like forced haircuts, with an extra bill disguised as a fine but is more like a tax. So more taxation to keep you poor. Like why the fuck do they care about overgrowth? Let the snakes and shit thrive, it’s nature.
Like our lawmakers literally had to make laws and bullshit ordinances on your property. As if zoning laws weren’t retarded enough. As if we’re saving so many lives and making people richer by having people spend money being taxed through various methods. It’s just another way to shit on poor people.
Also, ‘Weeds’ are just made up. It’s a label that is used to make you think that some plant is sub-trash-invasive-filth that doesn’t have a use. You know what literally doesn’t have a use? Grass. The big scam is making you think that all the other useful shit like crabgrass, dandelions, mint, etc. were weeds, when Grass was the real weed all along.
Like, really, we gonna live like this?
On top of the shitty mind control by BIG GRASS and city ordinances, HOA’s and neighbors will literally call the police to get you to mow your lawn. Here’s the fun part, you might even NOT be a member of said HOA, but they’ll still harass you with police. This is of course, after the HOA president borrows your lawnmower and breaks it and then complains about the height of your grass. Entitled pricks.
HOA’s are definitely NAZI’s, so when I say Nazi Lawn Care Taker, That’s actually a hint for you to do more research. There’s something deeper and darker and obviously more nefarious behind HOAs and GRASS. Like, Obviously.
The list of HOA horror stories out there could make someone go full blown Revolutionary American. It’s tyranny pussyfooting behind made up laws and agreements that they force you to agree-judged-based on not a jury of your peers. The list of shit I could talk about is endless, instead, I’m going to focus on the most egregious lawn-related one to my recent knowledge (before I destroy my consciousness with more binge drinking into the abyss of oblivion),
Here’s a tragedy piece;
So the City wants to mow your lawn based on the HOA making a shit-complaint.
You refuse, I mean, if you’re the property owner, then you should be able to. Right?
SO the City SENDS IN THE SWAT. Like, did I say that loud enough.
THE CITY SENDS IN THE SWAT TEAM TO MOW YOUR LAWN.
YOU CRIMINAL SCUM
And you come out armed to defend YOUR PROPERTY against armed foreign invaders committing acts of domestic terrorism against the 4th Amendment invading literally your soil. Because having tall grass is obviously the most text-book definition of a reasonable use of armored para-military SWAT forces.
AND THESE KNUCKLEFUCKS shoot you, because you were armed. Even though being armed to defend your property (while on your property) against tyranny of the government is like totally the point of the 2nd amendment.
Yea, this dude got shot JUST FOR HAVING A GUN. Just for being (rightly) armed. If you get shot for having a weapon, then you don’t have a 2nd amendment. Like, Are you following along here?
That’s two strikes against the 2nd amendment, and one strike against the 4th amendment. That’s three strikes folks.
This is the levels of lunacy that society allows. How retarded is everyone, to force shit to be so backwards. To kill someone over some blood-stained blades of grass?
Read more of this shit, it’s fucked. Here’s an excerpt from someone covering the story;
Just a non-neighborly-friendly reminder, fuck HOAs and Yards are a scam. Just grow a garden and fuck off, they will literally water themselves. You could literally do what I do and throw a fuckwhack bunch of seeds in the yard, ignore them for several years like the best form of abuse (neglect), and have a huge ass garden. Like, I get free mint and berries and other shit whenever I feel like it. I don’t mow shit, I don’t toil, I just collect shit like taxing the garden just for existing -just like the government.
It’s literally broken, you don’t even have to try gardening. Just throw a fuckwhack bunch of seeds. Let Nature’s rain water em, and you’ll have plants. It’s broken. You plant seeds and later comes food. You expect people to believe this shit? This is broken af. It’s like harvest moon or stardew valley but for the lazy.
(but also, watch out for the government poisoning the air, land, and water to keep you enslaved into the system)
You can trim and cut shit for free kindling or fire or whatever the fuck. You could learn how to compost too, that way you can throw your tobacco, cigar, and blunts in the compost bin and pretend the earth is getting greener from your contributions.
You save an asswhack of money on water and time by not fucking tending to a garden or anything. It’s broken. You have enough time now to look back at all your regrets and linger on them, or face your fears and your demons to reach enlightenment. Or more money to spend on drinks and future-alimony in the form of strippers while stimulating the economy with excess-surplus-labor-value. Point is, who gives a fuck, you get your money and time back when you no longer have a shit yard.
Also, it’s good for the environment not having a grass yard. There’s so many positives, I just really can’t stress how much money and time you’d save. As a fellow lazy person, it’s the best perk. So,
Fuck Grass Yards.
Just, uh, before you make this endeavor to make the switch to where the grass is literally greener; just make sure you know the law and the stupid rules that they’ll try to enforce on “your” yard. Worst case, you might get the local SWAT team to put booolets in you and die for *Unknown reasons unrelated to a boolet wound*.
All of this for a patch of grass.
Do whatever, have a scammy grass yard or a garden or rocks or fake grass. Who gives a shit. It’s all a scam. Whatever you want to do, bet on it, but don’t think that your bet is safe.
*Not Valid Financial, Legal, Life, or Any Advice
Just a reminder, Golf Courses exist.
Remember, a 100 billion dollar industry each year, and growing probaby.
As a side note, Raking leaves is a scam.
Why the fuck are you picking up leaves that are biodegradable and actually improve the quality of life for plants and animals?
Unless you like mowing down rabbits with a lawn mower, you should probably stop raking and tending to a grass lawn.