Well, tell your friend it’s simple, you fucking ‘friend-simp’ goon
Money Laundering is when you get ‘clean money’ from washing ‘dirty money’.
The easiest way to clean your money is to throw it in a washing machine, that way it gets clean.
Ever left some dollars in a jacket pocket or jeans and then threw it all in the wash? Well, you’ve just committed money laundering.
Which, in most cases, is illegal.
You criminal scum.
What’s Dirty Money?
Dirty money isn’t just the money buried in the Colombian outback of Pablo Escobar’s mansion(s).
It’s also not the fecal matter on a dollar bill that’s been hugging the cheeks of ‘krystal’ or whatever stripper you frequent.
It doesn’t necessarily have to be dirty.
Dirty money is, more-or-less, illegal money obtained or made through at least one of two things:
1.The money has avoided tax and accounting, the prying eyes of the IRS.
If the money has avoided the government’s tax and accounting, then it’s dirty money. Basically, the government that backs up the faith in the cash, want’s to have a back up to where the cash is going.
Something about economic integrity, economic intercourse, and making sure the Government get’s their vig.
You know, the usual.
Sometimes this type of dirty money is called ‘under the table’ money or ‘allowance’ and you bet your illegal ass that you’ve been breaking the law. That’s right, that money you got from mowing the lawn? That money you got from parents?
Not only was it child labor, but you didn’t give the Tax bois their fair shake.
That poker game where you made 1k but were only allowed to leave with $200 because Uncle Don didn’t like you leaving the Underground Arcade with so much on your first and possibly last night? Yea, that money is illegal.
You sell anal beads to a pawn shop, on craigslist, or even facebook market place, and didn’t report it as taxable income? Then that’s dirty money. Not just because of the anal beads part.
Did you do mercenary work to put a bullet in someone’s head while committing war crimes? Not only was that illegal, but if you didn’t report it, that’s dirty money. Which is twice the illegal.
How about those winnings you got from betting on that cage death match to the, well, death? That looks like some dirty blood money to me. Did you tell your accountant or the IRS? No?
Well that’s illegal.
You might be asking, why I posted a meme about the FBI when it’s the IRS that does Tax stuff. Well, because govy bois go hand in hand.
Especially if you’re doing something Illegal AND evading taxes.
The other type of dirty money (besides the not reporting part) is the illegal part,
2.Money made through illegal means.
This type of illegal money, is also called ‘black money‘ and most people try to avoid paying taxes on it.
Yes, not reporting the making of money is illegal and dirty. But also making money through illegal-means, also makes the money dirty.
Slinging dope, selling drugs, or practicing medicine to save people without a license. How dare you save someone without going through proper med school and having stupid loads of insurance? What, you think you can be free from liability? Well if no one sues you, then the government will!
All of the illegal things you do, that you get paid for, that you can’t report to the fed bois, is just dirty money.
Not just because you didn’t report it to the fed bois, but mainly because it was illegal to make or do the thing you were doing.
Did you profit off of killing someone? Dirty money. Unless you’re like the military industrial complex, or a cop, or something.
Did you try to cross the border with food-contraband in hopes to sell it for a profit? Should’ve reported your 194 pounds of meat, and maybe you wouldn’t be in jail for trying to trade goods. You think this is a free market?
Did you sell drugs without a license? Especially if you’re making your own name-brand non-FDA approved insulin, that’s illegal. No one cares if you’re actually saving lives, that’s all dirty money.
(People are buying insulin and other life saving medicine from overseas to sell on a black market. You know, the type of black market that you’d see other life-saving and life-changing drugs. Because illegal prices undercut pharmaceutical jacked up ones, and those desperate enough to want to, I don’t know, not die -will pay for stuff on the black market)
Did you try to start a legit business without having a business license and conducting yourself through a bunch of bureaucratic hoops that makes it nearly impossible for anyone who isn’t well connected or rich from avoiding. Well, you should’ve made legal money before making illegal money!
(Uber the car ride share company wasn’t tax compliant for like the first five years, so they owed a bit of money, and then because they were rich, they paid all the ‘extra fees’ and ‘late fees’ that would’ve undoubtedly cripple regular small business owners. Arguably it could be proportional to income, but this sort of acrobatic-geriatrics is a limiter for people who want to do stuff)
If you make money through a shady business or trade, like selling state-legalized weed in a federally-outlawed schedule K-1 drug, then reporting it for taxes might or might not make you safe. I mean, the Fed bois raided all of California during the initial years of marijuana legalization. Bet your sweet ass that they taxed all of the profits (they confiscated all of it, talk about a tax).
Just remember, if the government really cared, they’ll just raid your house. (If they bring in the ATF, they’ll shoot your dog.)
What, are you going to stop them? Doubt it.
Dark Pools
Society has holes, and so does the economy. Money comes out of the system and gets stuck somewhere.
These are dark pools, which exist throughout Wall Street and the Back Streets of drugs and all that good jazz.
Black markets, silk roads, etc.
See, the Dark net, uses some dirty money and money orders and wire transfers. Fake accounts and other spoofed things. Fake VPNs.
All of the dirty money everywhere is considered ‘lost’, ‘forsaken’, or stuck in the ‘dark pool‘.
Sometimes it’s called a ‘black pool‘ because it has black money.
A private exchange where things are transferred under the table.
Which is just something to note, as we move forward.
What’s Clean money?
Clean money is money made through legit Government approved-sanctioned consumer businesses, with up to date licenses and other fake bullshit you need because tax.
Taxes prove that Clean money is accepted by the society. It’s on some document somewhere saying it’s good and clean and justice or something.
All of the clean money is accounted somewhere for tax purposes and is made through whatever ‘non-law-breaking’ means.
Because people respect the law more than they respect money.
But if you waive a couple stacks in their face, the law looks mighty flexible. Naw-meen?
The Washer has a commission
When anyone takes dirty money and tries to clean it, the Washer gets something.
The middleman, whoever or whatever always gets a cut. Their fair share.
And if they get a cut, that means there’s a paper trail. Which means, that they’re a liability to you and your money.
Well, you can’t really do much about it. And if you do something stupid, then you’ll just make your hands dirtier and that’ll end poorly.
So, just give them their cut, and stop being a fuck head.
We’ll go over some examples on how people launder their money, and I’ll point out who the washer is.
Typical ways that people launder money
Open up a business, like car washing or something. The great channel AMC had a show called ‘Breaking Bad’ where a high school chemist teacher starts making meth because he needs to pay medical bills or something.
You know, the typical American dream, where working a job as a teacher trying to make the world a better place doesn’t pay enough to prevent you from selling depressant drugs to addicted and neglected populations of people trying to escape their realities.
Anyway, this Teacher gets good at making drugs, and then has sold a lot. Which means money. But that’s a lot of money from ‘under the table’ and he has to somehow report it to the fed bois in order to justify his ability to pay medical bills. Let alone buy a home or nice toys.
So upon council of some other drug lord, he opens up a Car Washing Business. People manage the car washing, and he gets to take some money. All he has to do is fudge some numbers.
Over time, he just inflates the profit in his car washing business with the drug money from his real drug business.
The government gets their cut, and on federal paper, it looks like a profitable business with some fake numbers, and real cash.
The Car Wash business is the washing machine in this case. The business is cleaning the money, by taking in some of the money from the drug side and making it look like it came from washing cars. Additionally, if you can find yourself a corrupt accountant, then you could also hand them a cut or something. Idk, just ask Saul.
Let me ask you this, have you ever seen a Chinese Restaurant commercial?
And there are always Chinese restaurants, some of which treat their customers like shit?
Yea, those are always in business. Pretty weird, don’t you think?
Isn’t it also weird that there are some Chinese Laundry places that are lodged in a non-profitable non-residential area?
Weird, laundry mat, laundry. Almost like there’s a connection here.
I’m not trying to get on the Triad’s list, but I do have to pose the question. Maybe in the future, I’ll do some digging but just know, a lot of criminal organizations launder through small businesses.
I mean, Small businesses make up like 99% of all businesses.
Side Note on small business
There was a story I heard once, forgot where or when.
You know, funny thing, after being alive for more than five seconds,
It just becomes a blurr, this life thing,
anyways,
some Mafia family opened up an Italian restaurant serving the usual stuff.
Good Pasta, Spaghet, and the typical Vino. Or Wine for you retard-regenerates that haven’t bashed your fucking skull with litres of red fermented Adult-juice.
So this Italian restaurant would be a meeting place for crime stuff, it had a good joint, they owned the place, and there was cash flow.
Somewhere along the lines, the food and drinks were so good, that they made more real money than drug money.
So the Mafia turned a new leaf and abandoned crime to run a restaurant that was very popular and highly successful.
Which is a trap, so make sure you definitely don’t follow the law and turn a new leaf. You’re here to learn how to -avoid- laundering money, not to be an honest upstart.
Bankie
Another way of laundering the money is through a bank.
Just deposit it.
Simple as that.
And if you’re doing this and get caught, well, serves you right.
Lol, jokes. Anyway, there’s like a limit of 10k to deposit at banks. Something to do with not allowing large deposits of cash money. It being suspicious or shady for you to have 10k or something.
Because we can’t trust large sums of cash money. (What, we live in a society where you can just carry money?)
So some idiots went to several different banks to deposit 10k several times. They got caught, and arrested. That’s what happens if you have suspicious transactions on your bank statement for exactly 10k at several different banks in a very short time frame. I mean, why wouldn’t you just deposit it all at once if you were going to do it at several different branches?
Anyways, they were laundering for a cartel.
The Cartel decided to cut out these goons and go straight for the bank itself. Yes, the Cartel bought out some Bankie at a bank to deposit some drug money.
Eventually they got caught, all good things come to an end, right?
But don’t worry, Bank executives don’t get criminally charged. That would hurt the market or something. So they get away scot-free for laundering billions of dollars.
Hell, other banks are doing it too. Just laundering 200 billion Euros between each other.
Even banking investment services are laundering for Cocaine rings, so you know, honest work.
So this is definitely legal, otherwise there would be a lot more bankers in jail. Yep, money laundering is a legal thing, all of these examples are definitely proof.
The Washing Machine here is the banks, maybe their finance department, and maybe some insurance cash going towards legal for that inevitable lawsuit.
Creative ways to ‘avoid’ money laundering
Because you shouldn’t do any of this, and tell your friend I said ‘Hi’, that all of this is definitely things to avoid doing. Because this definitely might be illegal, so let’s go in detail on how to do this. So you can avoid it. Right? yea.
What’s more creative then art?
Yes, Art, subjective and completely value oriented.
Value oriented as in, a great way to make a bullshit price.
As long as someone is buying it, then you might as well sell it.
I mean, people can tape a banana to a wall and sell it for 120k. If you can do that, you can turn anything in to ‘art’ and launder it off.
Throw it up on auction, use two fake accounts to bid for it using the drug money that you’re not allowed to use.
Then, if some idiot 3rd account bids for it, let them win! They definitely just bought some fucking junk.
That’s okay, you can just buy other people’s art and commission Frankenstein monster-esque pieces, put it under a pseudonym artist alias. Idk, like Butt-Muncher 79, and call the gallery ‘the Butt Muncher Debut Master Opus 79 series’.
No one gives a fuck, most of the art world is pretentious. (If you’re offended, then it must be true).
You’re here to launder money, not get in with the art world. So stop trying to sleep with the low hanging fruit.
So just keep mass producing random weird art shit for cheap or with your drug money.
Then keep auctioning it off to launder your cash.
There’s a whole bunch of other steps I’m missing, but you get the picture.
The Washing Machine here is the Auction house, Galleria, the poor troglodyte making art, and whatever taxes on art.
Stonks
Apparently, word on the block is, you can trade stocks at a loss and make profit. Yea, let that sink in a bit.
So you buy a shit ton of out of the money calls or puts using black money,
Then using your clean account to sell those shits to generate clean money.
It’s theoretically not going to hit, unless a natural disaster happens, and since you’re on both sides of the trade, you are technically covered.
People have done in around 2015-2016 in India’s exchange. So, it’s doable.
It’s all about transferring wealth. Allegedly someone did this with Tesla Options.
Because the bid and ask has a spread between, well, the ‘bid’ and the ‘ask’. The commission goes the the Market Makers and whatever arbitrage deals with options contracts. What I’m saying is, the Washing Machine here is the Brokerage.
Bitcoin
Before Bitcoin got big, it was used for transaction like an actual currency.
People bought and sold life changing stuff on a dark web or silk road 2.0.
But the government didn’t like that, so they shut that down.
Now with the meteoric rise of bitcoin, bitcoin is so expensive and volatile, that it doesn’t really work out as cash or currency.
Bitcoin looks more like a security, I mean, no one really buys or sells things with bitcoin nowadays. They take their bitcoin and turn it into cash and then buy shit.
So, you could, in theory, just turn bitcoin into cash and call it good.
So you sell drugs or whatever, turn that cash into bitcoin off of some foreign less-regulated exchange. Then turn that exchange to trade it to another exchange that is regulated.
Then turn that bitcoin into cash, and withdraw it like legal tender.
Pay some taxes, and if anyone asks, just be like “I invested in Bitcoin when it was pennies a coin” and then voila, good to go.
Now, I don’t know if this will hold up in court, since I’m not allowed to practice law since the accident. So, you’ll just have to find actually legal legal-counsel elsewhere. None of this is valid advice.
And if you’re laundering money through bitcoin, then you probably have money to spend on a good lawyer or something else better than a free-cheap-o shit-article.
The Washing Machine here is the Bitcoin Exchanges and the Banks, they’ll take a cut of your transactions to pay for overhead and miners and other things you don’t care about.
In Closing
Here’s Wikipedia for other things I didn’t read and Investopedia on money laundering because I think those would be better sources than a joke article. For your friend, of course.
Don’t do anything illegal there Pablo, I’m obviously shit posting because this is how to avoid doing something, for your friend. Unless you’re a Bank Executive, then you’re good to go. Just a good ol’ slap on the wrist.
Also, know that if you’re traveling with fat stacks. The Government and other people will look at you.
Mainly due to greed.
So, remember that if you decide to immigrate from some country through US customs with your life savings in cold hard cash. They’ll confiscate it and call you a drug mule or something.
You know, because having too much money is illegal.
What a fucking joke.
In other news,
And WSB “Retard Day Traders 3” by a great friend, Attar, is born. . .
Yea, Money laundering just means that my taxes go up, so fucking calm your shit.
Til I decide to be an CPA,
*Not Valid Financial, Legal, Life, or Any Advice
Post Script;
So there are also “white glove companies” which is another name for the middleman that acts as a bleaching agent for the black money to become legal.
I call em washing machines, other people use other fancy terms. “whiteners”, you know, terms like that.
Ultimately it’s about cooking the books and making it look like you’ve paid your dues.