Yea, so you watched the 2006 political-thriller-film ‘Blood Diamond’ and you’re like everyone else (myself included) all hyped up on being you own War Lord and making child soldiers fight for you like God or something.
I get it, I get it, you’re just like every other typical aspiring war lord, and I need to pull back your reigns for a bit. Down boy (or girl, because female Warlords need representation too), Down!
I get it, you want to start a side hustle and enter the entrepreneurship market making money on death and stuff. Typical.
You see, there are plenty of pitfalls and errors you can make, and I’m here to help you out a bit with these free, not-shit, tips on the common Top 7 mistakes being a Warlord.
1. Deny foreign intervention
Idiot proto-war-lords don’t ever understand that they should accept free guns.
It is a common mistake, to Deny Foreign Intervention. You should gladly accept the KGB or CIA armaments to help you fight proxy wars for communism or some other made up word.
Well, what you need to do, is have someone else be the one in power. That way you don’t get blamed.
You have to use a scape goat, be a shadow puppet, be a close friend. Someone that has the real power, but isn’t the one recognized as such by the World Police. The US intelligence agency, (for whatever reason).
The thing is, if you deny foreign intervention. Your enemy competition War-Lords will be top dog. But if you have someone that isn’t you accept the foreign intervention, then you and your friend becomes the top dog.
And then your friend dies, allowing for a greater evil to fill the power gap. Cue in, you!
2. Use Child Soldiers
Don’t use child soldiers.
I mean, who would hurt children? Besides you of course, (This tip was brought to you by Shakhar Mazodana, the local 7/11 Warlord).
Yea, yeah, you’re thinking free child labor. Right, I get it, humans think that too for all of the 19th century. Well, the thing is, this work doesn’t make child soldiers smart. They are this lifeless doll of a child, and they grow up thinking guns go ‘pew pew’ but never do they stop to think why gun go ‘pew pew’. So you have this indentured servant who becomes a man knowing only violence, not a very prospective outlook.
If you want to be a warlord for a long time, and not a short time, then you need ambition. People who think to kill you, that’s who you should have in your court. I’m talking about competance, people who are able to do a little more than pulling a trigger. I mean, you can teach monkeys to do that,
All you have to do is direct their anger and frustration on taking more land outside of your territory. Think of it like venture capitalism, but funding more territory.
You’re basically a king born from blood and death and chaos. War stuff.
3. Finding Oil
Whatever you do, do not find oil.
If you do find oil, then either lie and say it isn’t oil.
Or find some corporation that will pay in US dollars to fund the oil thing. Or else you will be screwed.
I mean, these memes exist. And you don’t want to be on the receiving end of American Foreign Intervention.
You just got to trust me on this one, don’t find oil, and only use US dollars.
4. Having morals
Do not have morals. Morals stop you from being the best you that you can be.
Morals are these fetters that bind you and inhibit your full apotheosis into a War Lord.
What I’m trying to get you to understand is, you gotta sell drugs.
War Lords and Drug Lords are practically twins. With one comes the other, and the other comes one.
So don’t think your profession is too clean or moral to not sell drugs, you got to sling that dope. Hash out some hash, crash out some ya-yo, say words and bricks and things.
I mean, how are you gonna make money from War Lording? You gotta exploit resources, and what better source to re-re than Drugs?
5. Lie lie lie
Well, after you removed your morals. What you need is to lie and lie.
Kublai Khan or whatever was a descendent of the great Temujin, known also as Genghis Khan. All of these are facts, and are only added to make it seem like I know more than you, because let’s face it, I do. As a person who knows a lot of things that are obviously useful, I’m here to say that Lying helped old Kublai out.
You see, they had ceremony similar to a coronation called a Kurultai to find out who the next Khan would be. A Khan is similar to a King, it’s a title. So Kublai had a duel/vote thing called a Kurultai and lost.
Kublai, knowing he sucked dick before hand, had his horsemen go around to all the clans and tribes before, to say that he won and proclaim him as a Great Khan. You know lie.
When his opponent won and tried to tell all the other clans, they said he was a fgt liar. And now Kublai is the Great Khan.
Some people didn’t really know who won the Khanate, like the whole 2020 election. So of course they had a civil war to dispute the whole thing. But you can’t be a warlord without a war to lord over? Right?
So obviously, lying is a great way to start a war.
(Fingers crossed for future Murica. Also, historically, a lot of the above text is highly contested and probably fake. But that’s good, because if it’s fake then that means I lied, which only proves that lies work. If you want me to cite my historical sources because you actually study history or something, then pay me money and I’ll tell you how I got the above information.)
6. Video games
Make your soldiers play Call of Duty: War Lords 7, it trains them.
Think of flight simulators training people for flying, so these gun games are great for gunning people down. I mean, did you remember the terroristic Light Machine Gun mowing down of unarmed people in a Russian Airport in Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2?
well the new Play station 20 and the XBOX Box X is the best console for your aspiring war champions. They get to work on their reflexes and fight bad guys.
It teaches them things like ‘how-to-take-cover’ and ‘reloading’, things that you normally struggle with anyway.
7. Give up
9 out of 10 prospective war lords give up. Are you going to quit before you even start?
What kind of life is worth living if you don’t even live it lording over war?
All of these quitters with typical excuses of being blown up or dead, why do they even bother?
If all these war lords quit, who will become the over lord? Useless quitters.
Simple, don’t quit.
This Article was brought to you by UNICEF-WARLORDS
We understand you want to be a warlord, but why not help other aspiring war lords?
For five cents a day, you can help fund a future War Lord’s ambition to help end world hunger and restore world peace, one bullet at a time.
Like little Tommy, who aspires to one day ‘be a drug kingpin’. Yes, your donation will go a ways to helping those in need.
And by ‘a ways’, I mean away. Because we’re pocketing that cash.
People have to survive, the world is a hellscape.
I mean, can you blame them?
They were forged by the thing, the very same thing they very well perpetuate.
I fear not the man who goes to hell, but the one who survives it.
Anyways, most of these guys are just trying to survive.
They get angry and want to change the world, with blood stained hands.
Yet they’re the ones taken out, by the very injustice seeds they’ve sown.
Or by a drone strike from US intervention at 3km in the air. Talk about real terrorism. Something similar to what Noam Chomsky said about drone strikes.
As the French say, C’est La Vie or simply;
No Safe Bets
*Not Valid Financial, Legal, Life, or Any Advice.