WTF is a Quant?

A Quant is short for “quantitative analysis” and describes people who do math and stuff for banks, but the Bank Jocks don’t like big words that don’t use ‘F’ like Finances and Fuck. So the Bank Jocks call these “quantitative analysis” types, Quants.


Legend has it, that some banker got smart somewhere and decided to math the fuck out of the economy. So this person decided to hire a bunch of math nerds and lock ’em in their basement with financial numbers and such.

Every morning, the Quants came up with math numbers, suggestions and other big words to help decide the future of the economy. So the Bank Jocks would take the Quants inputs, algorithms, and other maths to input into financial infrastructures and robots. Then those robots would somehow make more money by strategically yeeting money and moving tendies to statistically better investments, basically.

“A quant can be defined as similar to a mushroom. You keep them in the dark and feed them shit.”

-Corvin Codirla, ex-hedge fund manager and trader

Quants do a lot of things, and they are the most important backbone of the higher echelon circle-jerk that we call the economy. Because the economy is a bunch of made up markets gaming and gambling each other, Quants have made up the maths to figure the circle jerk out.

The language of gods.

A Quant explaining investing, the yeeting of money. He actually goes on to how banks became unethical in pursuit of greed which is boring

Economists are more of a soft science studying the models of interaction. A semi-social science. Quants are a hard science of numbers and math. Think of Economists as social scientists and Quants as Engineers. Somewhere in between would be econometrics, basically numbered economy.

Quants really make up models for the economy based on inputs and predictions. Quants can also be technologists and coders that input their algorithms and numbers into computers. The bank jocks yeet their money based on these models. So if a quant is wrong, then billions of dollars go bye-bye.

Yea, Banking is like gambling but with other people’s money. Dear Bankers, You Fucking Clowns.

The economy is also made up of people, and they’re a bit irrational. I mean, why the fuck did everyone buy Toilet Paper during the 2020 Corona virus panic?

How about everyone who thought the world was going to end in the year 2000, just because it was 2000? Do you know how many September babies there are in 2000? A Fuck-Ton.

So the Quants’ models are based on a rational economy, they can’t predict toilet paper shortages, tsunamis, meteors, or other natural phenomena. That’s basically what a Quant is.

There are some notable quants that transcend Nerd-dom and enter Genius-Mode like Haim Bodek and such.

Is this a job for you?

If you don’t maths, then fuck-no.

If you have Arithmophobia, then Fuck-No.

If you don’t like dark basements or wine cellars, then FUCK-NO.

The median income for a quant is about 85k but you can definitely start out at 100k+ with large bonuses 500k+ if you’re actually good.

You’ll need a bachelor’s degree in something like quantitative or critical thinking with high marks in programming, economics, econometrics or statistics. You’ll also need to be able to find new trends and strategies to better predict and outsmart the competition. Plus when we say good at math, we mean a god at math.

You’ll work for a bank or hedge fund and yeet millions of dollars without even having to touch the money.

So unless you’re gifted with divine math, or a hard worker in maths, you should probably think long and hard about being a quant.

If you like hard maths and money, then yes. You should be a quant. Or if you’re asian, then yea, be a quant.

If you like simple maths and money, then you should probably be an accountant or banker.

If you read this post and find it fascinating and are willing to truck through mental gymnastics and proof finding to usurp the power of maths for money, than yea.

In Closing

Quants are math nerds for bank jocks

Here is a follow link to the VPRO video that we referenced in the picture above.

*Not Valid Financial, Legal, Life, or Any Advice

Leave a Reply