Let me introduce you to the world’s most fun activity; Gambling. That’s right. Not sex, not sports (unless there’s some kind of sexy sport casino I’m unaware of) but good old-fashioned, family-friendly, no possible downside to speak of, gambling.

Some time longer than five years ago, our ancestors have scoured the earth to collect berries, plants, and sharp objects to bring back to their cave. Fast forward a couple thousand years, this allowed us to evolve and bet all of our gatherings on black. The pinnacle of man was to Yeet our work on a game of dice or a ball.

So come with me as I show you the wonderful world of gambling, where everyone’s a winner.

Where else could we go first but the mecca of gambling; Casinos. Yes, nothing says “we regularly pay out huge cash prizes” like a magnificent vestibule with enough extravagant decor to make the Pope blush. The casino has everything needed for a good time; big spinning wheels, machines with levers on them, horses running around wild and free for betting purposes.

Yes, the casino has it all. Apart from clocks, or windows. But who needs to worry about the passage of time when there is so much financially irresponsible fun to be had. So much fun that it can seem daunting, almost scary, to newcomers. Never fear, a steady supply of readily available alcohol will calm those nerves and get you in the mood for winning.

After all, everyone thinks clearer when they’re ever so slightly
drunk as fuck.

But hey, what if you don’t drink? Well then, perhaps some gentle aromatherapy will cure what ails you? Don’t worry, they don’t charge you for it. They just pump it through the freaking vents. It calms your nerves and pump your confidence to have more fun. Now that’s service!

Sure, maybe you won’t win all the time. The slot machine may not pay out, the wheel may not stop on your number, the dealer may be on a lucky streak so consistent it seems almost by design. That would be unfortunate, but hey, they don’t make the rules, right?

But if you really must “win” to enjoy yourself (personally I believe we’re already winners) remember, it’s just a matter of maths, everything is calculated. Calculated slightly in favour of the house, but this is a very easy obstacle to overcome. If the house wins 51% of the time, you win 49% of the time.

Take roulette, the chances of landing on either colour are 50:50 (well actually it’s more complicated, but this is maths, who needs details?) Let’s say it lands on black, the chances of the next spin being red have just doubled! Play the odds! Does it land on black again? (Unlikely!) Stay calm, what are the chances it’ll happen 3 times in a row? Practically zero! Bet it all on red my friend, and for the rest of the night the drinks are on you.

Remember, if you don’t win, that doesn’t mean you lose. You’re stirring the pot. You just invested your money into the house, now the house has more money to give! So don’t give up before the inevitable big pay out.

You know the saying. “Don’t hate the player, and don’t hate the game. Just curse your bad luck and try again”. Don’t listen to the naysayers, the pessimists. I mean, sure, you could look at a casino as a bunch of machines that only pay out once it’s collected enough money to ensure massive profit. You could look at the games as filled with arbitrary rules, specially designed to limit your chances of winning, in favour of the house. You could look at the various mind altering techniques at play as a subtle form of brainwashing…

Where was I going with this? I can’t remember, I’ve had so many complimentary drinks at the bar. Oh yea, free drinks, that’s a plus. see, casinos are good and gambling is great.

Sometimes gambling gets a bad rap. It’s denounced, vilified even, but in truth gambling is like everyone’s favorite running back, OJ Simpson; simply misunderstood.

Why gambling is so much fun, it should be illegal to make gambling illegal.

Some places make gambling illegal, what fools. For instance Korean citizens can’t gamble in most of the Korean Casinos, but foreigners can gamble. It’s purely injustice to not be able to throw away your life into loan shark debt. Whenever you want to sell yourself into K pop prostitution though, Korea doesn’t bat an eye. Just no fun.

Places that are not fun, like Hawaii where gambling, including lotto tickets, is illegal. You have to know people and find underground gambling dens called ‘arcades’. If you make gambling illegal, people will find away around the law and practice unsafe gambling. You know, the type of unsafe gambling that makes it more fun, with hookers and blow.

On second thought, we should keep gambling illegal. Definitely not because there’ll be more hookers and blow.

Hmmm,

Fuck.

Well,

Maybe the casino isn’t your thing, that’s ok too. You don’t need a casino to make some easy money. There’s online betting, booking agents, loan sharks who would take a knee cap for a late payment. Gambling is everywhere. If there’s a will, there’s a way.

Why, isn’t insurance itself a form of gambling?

One thing people misunderstand about gambling is that it really isn’t about “money”. No, you’ve got to think about the big picture. You see, it’s about the journey. It’s about the friends we faked along the way, including the family we lost.

Think about it.

How many times have you bought a scratch card, taken it home, scratched away the…whatever the hell that stuff is…to reveal the ultimate prize; another free ticket! Back to the store you go, skipping gleefully, to get your free, statistically much less likely to win, ticket. I mean, sure, maybe you don’t win any actual money, but the memories will last a lifetime.

Especially without family or friends, those memories will be all that you have.

In Closing

When it comes down to it, gambling is so popular because it’s easy. Where else in the world can you make so much money with so little effort?

As long as people are optimistic, willing to dream, and ready to take a risk… By risking all their money on the hopes of hitting it big, gambling will have a place in all of our hearts.

Practically the American Dream, plus taxes.

Gambling is here to stay, forever. Unless we come to our senses. But let’s be serious, what are the odds of that happening?

*Not Valid Financial, Legal, Life, or Any Advice.