How to get Ahead in Life with Student Loans in 8 Easy Steps

This is an easy, no-brainer, solution to all of life’s problems.

1. You Start by Having a Life.

Start by breathing and having a name.

Got that part down? Awesome, next step is to:

2. Take Out a Student Loan

For about $100,000. Don’t worry about reading the terms and agreements, spoiler alert; you’ll pay it off after you die.

Now that you got your golden ticket to go to College;

3. Pretend to Go to College

Instead, what you want to do is to party for your entire tuition fee.

Skip classes, freak out about exams, use that as an excuse to drink heavily into the night.

What I like about this step here is whether you decide to graduate with a degree or not, which is optional.

4. Get that Job Post-College

After college, with or without the degree, go ahead and get that part time job you’ve been dreaming of.

Your college years studying underwater basket weaving now have their moment to shine working that typical minimum wage 9-to-5 job.

Maybe you’ll get a promotion to manager. Now you’re in charge of other people’s misery. It’s great.

5. Live Responsibly.

Start doing things like getting a credit card and maxing it out, ignore your bills and debt collectors, and don’t meal prep.

Live a lifestyle of smoke and mirrors and eat out all the time. Go ahead and tell your friends and family that you’re “doing fine”, “Life is good”, and that you’re “Living the dream”.

Keep running this facade until you can’t handle it anymore and decide to have an emotional and existential breakdown leading you to vow for a change.

6. Change Your Habits

Now this change is important. It’s critical at this phase that you really learn how to budget a self-sustaining lifestyle by eating cup ramen and leveraging close family and friend’s Netflix accounts. (Bonus point for Hulu and Disney+ as well).

Basically, how you lived in college if you spent your tuition fees on drinking instead of improving your standard of living.

Without this style of frugal living, life would be unbearable and you’d probably not do too well.

7. Become Self Aware

After you lived this monotonous lifestyle for a good ten or so years, you’ll have the routine down as you reminisce about your college parties earlier in step 2.

This is the best time to become hyper-self-aware of how frugal you live.

Become so self-aware of your frugality and life that you reach a new found level of self awareness. So much so that you no longer think of the past or the future, you only think of the frugality of the moment.

Living moment to moment, your past and your future become this fictitious fabrication of your mind. Soon the student loan debt will dissolve completely into the oneness that everything else is returning to.

8. Reach Enlightenment

Now that you have spiritually ascended the matrix of life, go ahead and realize that you’re literally ahead in life. Bonus points if you become ahead of life instead of just in it.

In Closing

Don’t worry if you don’t reach enlightenment, you’ll die anyway.

And just like all of those wayward souls being ferried off across the veil, you won’t be able to take your riches (or you debt) with you.

Unless you’re Egyptian or believe that sort of thing.

Cheers and remember: This is

*Not valid Financial, Legal, Life, or Any advice.

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