These are simple intuitive pro-tips and tricks for saving money, its as simple as not spending money!
1. Get rid of your car
Why pay for a car when you can get rid of it?
You spend all that time on driving while paying car insurance, maintenance, registration, and especially gas. Just get rid of it silly! DUH.
This will save you boatloads(or at least a carload) of money. In fact the average American spends about (rounded up for tax purposes) 10,000$ on their car based on a 2017 study by AAA.
That’s $10,000 away from your:
much needed vacations to strip clubs,
essential hard drugs,
and most importantly Netflix.
If you didn’t like the first tip, we’ve got one better.
2.Get rid of your home
Why pay for rent when you can couch surf with new friends or enjoy the comfort and minimalism of an antiquated rustic cardboard box?
No more home. This gets rid of your rent/mortgage, homeowner’s/renter’s insurance, property taxes, water, electric, garbage, HOA fees, and PMI.
You also get the benefits of changing your address and being mobile, living on the go. Heck, you can pull overtime at your job and just sleep in the parking lot.
Many rich millionaires lived out of a car, for instance Robert Kiyosaki author of best selling book “Rich Dad Poor Dad” was living the American dream inside of his car before he decided to downgrade and just become a millionaire.
It’s literally in his book, go read it if you don’t believe us.
3. Listen to advice Number 1 or 2
If you’re already down this far and you haven’t taken advice number 1 or 2 seriously, then you’re fucking up at a high rate of speed.
Am I a joke to you?
Don’t you want to be a bourgeois millionaire?
Well then tighten that belt and get rid of those useless attachments.
4. Stop spending money on clothing
Become a Nudist, no more buying new clothes or having to spend coin washing dirty laundry.
Your friends and family will be able to gift you valuable things, no more clothing, sweaters, or socks for you under their Christmas tree.
It’s their Christmas tree, because you probably don’t have one. If you took the earlier advice, you probably don’t have a home.
As a bonus, you can donate your old clothing to claim as a tax deductible while also feeling morally righteous by helping put clothing on clothed heathens.
They’re heathens because that’s part of your religion now, get with the program.
5. Avoid grooming
So you’ve decided to be bold on appearances?
If you became a nudist, then its not much of a leap to say that your body was made perfect. That the hair and nails are a part of the body given to you. This means that you shouldn’t take away from it just like how evil clothing hides your perfection.
Thusly, stop spending all that money getting your hair do’s and nails did.
Just hair don’t and nails didn’t.
Saving $10 to $60 every two weeks (or two months if you like waiting it), netting you a savings value of $240 to $1440 a year.
Heck, you can go a couple days without a shower. Can you name one person you know who died from not showering?
This whole daily showering thing is really just a big scam from Big Shower trying to jack up your water bills.
Big Shower also working in cahoots with Big Towel, Big Deodorant, Big Shampoo, and other Big Things to siphon all your hard earned money. We could try to name them all but there are so many Big Things that we don’t know where it ends, so just don’t shower as much or at all and stick it to The Man.
6. Eat smarter
By smarter, we mean less.
Truth is, you probably don’t need to eat three square meals a day. With everyone doing that whole intermittent fasting diet, you’ll probably do just fine.
Spend that free time doing more important things, like working, clubbing, blocking haters on Facebook, finding a Tinder match, or scrolling through Netflix.
If you need help controlling the urge to eat, just do what all super models and famous actors do, smoke cigarettes.
Now hold on, cigarettes are expensive and sound like a burden right? Well that’s where you’re thinking in that bad old mindset. You gotta put your “No Safe Bets” saving thinking cap on.
You see, you bum cigarettes off strangers. It’s free and it gives you an ice breaker to start a conversation. You talk about how your on this journey to save a lot of money, and this helps you network with new people.
The great part of this tip, is that if you bum off of the same person for a while, you generally don’t get to see them again. This forces you to find new-friends to bum off of which helps to expand your social influence.
7. Sell waste
I don’t mean toxic hazards silly, just bio-hazards.
Sure selling doesn’t mean saving, yet you’re already throwing out money every time you use the toilet. You also might be able to save a life, which is quite the savings lemme-tell-ya.
Your poop might have bacteria that can help save a human life, and if it does, people are willing to pay you money. You’re literally saving lives with your shit.
Here at No Safe Bets, we’re not medical doctors, or any-kind-of-doctor in fact, so find out more by checking if you qualify here.
Your pee might be marketable to a tannery. You’ve ever heard of the saying “piss-poor”, well people were smart back in the 1930’s during the Great Depression. The people were so smart, that’s why its called ‘the Great Depression’ and not just ‘the Depression’.
People were able to sell their urine to tanneries to help in the tanning process of making leather.
You get richer, you help a local business, and you help support capitalism and free enterprise.
we’re crying patriotic tears of freedom just thinking about this all around win-win.
Well, those are our tips here at No Safe Bets for how to save money. If you have any questions then shoot us an email.
Happy savings, until next time!
Oh, and remember this is *Not valid Financial, Legal, Life, or Any advice