WTF is a ‘long’ and a ‘short’ in stonks?

Kome Kloser my Ape friend, And I will talk to you about da wae of the stonks. This is a shit post, and you shouldn’t take it seriously or make any decisions, let alone breath, from this. I also don’t explain things down to the pea-brain level, nor do I care to. You shouldn’t really be reading any of this, because it’s a shit post, and provides only entertainment and nominal values of retardation. But you somehow found your way here. Congratz, I guess.

Yes, Bulls and Bears alike gather in my circle, all to lose tendies at a large interest rate, and I’m going to break down a few ways you can go ‘long’ and ‘short’ on a stonk. (not to be confused with Gourd Futures)

In general, there are two types of ‘long’ and ‘shorts’. A long and short, can refer to the time holding a position. So if you have a long position, that means you are holding for a long time. If you have a short position, that means you are holding for a day or week, or whatever. It’s all relative.

The other type of ‘long’ and ‘short’ is what you think the value of a stock will be. If you think it’s going up, going down, over valued, undervalued, then that’s the valuation of a position.

When it comes to stonks, generally, people say things like they are bullish or long. They usually mean that the stock is something worth holding, and that it’s a position they plan to hold for a long time.

For instance, if I said I was long $ROPE, that would mean that I value $ROPE and would invest more in it or make ‘a play’ to make some money with it going up. It’s all speculatory and not guaranteed, so who knows.

Going long in a stonk means that you think it’s going to go up.

When someone is ‘shorting a stock’, that usually means that they think the price will go down. That the stock is over valued or that the company is going to fail. The company might just be all hype, a shell scam paper company, or a pump and dump, so these bears bet on the stonk going down.

Shorting a stock doesn’t really have to be a ‘short’ term, it can be several months out. You pay your premium, and place your bets.

Generally newbie investors think that shorting a stock is evil. Because they’re naive and don’t understand things or something. Shorting a stock isn’t evil.

Market manipulation is (evil), and both bears and bulls can manipulate the market. In fact, if you’re a great -I mean Evil- Stonk Trader, you would manipulate the market on the way UP and DOWN. Now that’s Great I mean, Evil and illegal.

The point is, Bears bet on stocks to drop. Shorting a stonk.

So How Do I Long things?

Well, first, learn Engrish you primitive monke.

Buy and HODL

The simplest way to be long a stock is to buy shares. Just hold silly, no need to do fancy options or some dumb shit. Just buy and hold. Really that simple.

And if you do it right, and not be a paper handed bitch, you could be a millionaire. In fact, some people find a company they really like and invest a bit of their money each pay check.

It’s much easier to buy the dips, if you think the stonk will do well in the long run.

Buy Calls

This is cool, because you could, in theory, gain infinite dollars. Just like buying and holding the stock, just unlikely though.

You could also buy option contracts, like a call. basically if you think the stock is going up, you can buy the right to buy 100x of the stock at some point in the future. It allows you to buy the stock in the future for whatever strike price you agreed in the option contract. There’s more to that, but that’s a for another day.

If you buy a Call really far out, then that is called a LEAPS. yes, it has an S. Point is, these things are pretty dope if you’re right. But you know, it’s gambling, so do your homework counting the cards if you want money to print.

You can either execute the call and hold on to share, or sell them and buy more shares at a dip. It just depends on how you want to enter the market and what prices and volatility are like.

Write/sell Puts

This is a bit riskier for a bullish person, Make sure you got the money to afford 100x shares at the strike price.

You could sell or write put contracts for a lower price than the current. This way, you get credited some capital, and as long as you have the money to buy 100x of the shares, then you’re basically guaranteed to buy the dip if the stock price goes down.

This works well with OTM puts, but can also work with ITM puts as well. It just depends on how much money you got, and what you think will happen to the stock.

Of course, you sort of lose out of being able to buy at a much lower price. You know, since the price dipped.

Who cares, you got 100x more stonk per put contract, and you’re holding for a the long term. So if you really are bullish, this is a way to buy the dip at a calculated cost.

If you don’t have the money, you probably shouldn’t be doing options.

*Not Valid Advice

So How does one Short things?

Well, you can short things through these ways,

Sell it

If you have the stock, just sell it. You think it’s going down, why not sell it and take your chicken tendies and move on to the next thing. You wouldn’t want to buy the dip, because then you would’ve jumped back in, that’s not the idea of someone who thinks that the stonk is going down.

Why go down with the ship? Just abandon it.


In the traditional sense, this is what most people refer to when saying shorting. When someone says they’re going to short something, this is what they mean. Just remember, shorting a stock can produce infinite losses.

You borrow shares, on an IOU, and you say that you’ll buy to cover the shares you borrowed. You sell those borrowed shares either immediately or when the price is high.

And you buy back the shares to cover, when the price is low.

Of course, if you have 300 shares of $FUCK, and you short only 300 shares of $FUCK, then your losses are technically covered.

You might ask, why the fuck would I hold and sell at the same time? Well the answer is simple, you want to profit on the way down. You get to realize your gains from prices going down, while also having this insurance to cover you if you fucked up.

It doesn’t cost anything to hold shares.

And if you think the price is going to dip in the short term, but will go back up. Then why not profit off of the dip?

But it does cost interest to not cover your shares. So if you do borrow, make sure that you pay it back. Or you’ll be paying some interest.

Essentially Sell High, and Buy Low. (Buy the FKN Dip)

This is a way to profit on the down swing of things.

You’ll need a margin account to do this. And keep in mind that you’ll pay interest for borrowing a stock.

Naked shorting

You don’t own the stock.

You borrow the stock, sell it at a high price, with the expectation that the stock will go down.

If the stock goes to the moon, you’re fucked, and you’ll owe potentially infinite losses.

If the stock goes to bankruptcy, then you can pay back the borrowed shares for pennies on the dollar.

The profit is (what you sold at) – (Price you bought back to cover at) – (interest and other fees)

The companies who lend out these shares to borrow, will be left holding the bag. So it’s in their financial interests to not allow this to happen. You know, because, money.

Buy Puts

You could buy puts. A put is an option contract that lets you sell 100x shares at a future price for a premium. So people would buy puts, in hopes that the price goes down below the strike price. Then you would buy the shares at the low price, and sell them at the strike price.

Essentially netting a profit from selling shares ((Strike price – Current price) x 100) – premium paid.

Write/Sell Naked Calls

This is stupid risky, and you stand to have infinite losses. So I wouldn’t even recommend this. However I’ll tell you what it is, that way you can avoid it.

It’s when you write a call options contract, essentially a guarantee that you’ll sell 100x shares at a strike price to a person. But you just don’t have the shares, or even the intention of arranging to get the shares.

So what ever the share price is, if it’s above or at the strike price, looks like you’re paying for 100 shares at that price.

If you were, say, an evil hedge fund, then you could naked short a stonk and drive it to bankruptcy so you wouldn’t ever be forced to pay up. This would net you whatever credit you got from writing those puts.

Genius? Sure. Evil? Definitely.

They’d probably rather do the normal naked shorting.

It’s an Oz reference

So what are some ways to ‘hedge’ a bet?

Who taught you english? Where do you learn such naughty words?

Are you trying to mitigate risk for your bet? You think it can go tits up? What, it’s like there’s no safe bet or something.

Short a stock with shares

I already mentioned it.

Hold shares and short at the same time.

The profit is in the down swing of things, and if you do it right, you can make more profit than what it took to buy shares.

It’s retarded, but it can work.

And in theory, if you’re trying to squeeze a hedge fund by holding. You can accelerate it by SHORTING too. This is a way to increase aggregate short interest while taking advantage off of their market manipulation short ladder attacks. You’re not the one manipulating the market. But you are speculating and trying to profit off of other’s malfeasance. So I think you’re safe from the SEC.

You profit from the way down, due to their short laddering on the way down. You sold at the tip, and bought at their dip. All of this while increasing short interest and creating more squeeze potential. Regardless, you have real shares, so you’re already covered.

Whatever, you probably shouldn’t short things to short squeeze your enemy or whatever. Because something ethics, and Billionaires go bankrupt, or something.

Sell Covered Calls

If you had shares, and you think that the stonk price might not go up enough. Then you could offer selling your shares at a strike price. If you reach above or at the strike price, then you sell your shares, which isn’t bad.

If you don’t reach above or at the strike price, then you get to keep the credit you got and your shares.

This is a good way to help earn some money, off of people yoloing into FDs.

While also keeping a long position open, holding on to your stock.

If the stock happens to hit strike price, that’s cool too. Because now you get to sell your shares at the strike price, so you get:

(premium) + (strike price x 100 shares)(x Number of contracts) = credited to you

Sort of a way to guarantee that you sell your stock at what you value is an overvalued position. Which, if you’re correct, then it’ll tank and you’ll get to buy the dip.

A combination of calls and puts

There’s like option strategies that spread the debit or credit on your bread. This way, you aren’t exposed to infinite losses or infinite gains. It’s also cheaper too.

You have some shares of the stonk, and you still think it’s going down for some reason. You could, in theory

Why are they Bulls and Bears?

Look, I don’t know how long humans have been retarded, but they’ve been retarded atleast longer than the stonk market. I don’t know why it’s called a Bull or Bullish, and I don’t think anyone really does.

The point is the stock ‘charges’ and goes ‘up’ and has ‘momentum’ (which is a used in more positive lights). Who gives a fuck, Bulls are bullish and they bully their way into getting higher prices.

The bears? They’re called bears because they can’t bear the idea of the stock or some other shit. Again, no one really knows. It might have to do with a shitty pun to include a zodonym with stonks, because we like racist mascots. Not like the redskins of course.

Maybe it has to do with ForBEARance or something, you know, when someone is skimping out on their fiduciary obligations that you want to short their life.

(don’t, that’s -like- illegal, and not a good ROI).

Some people call em’ gay bears or simp -ly 🌈🐻. I don’t remember why, but it’s the thing.

In Closing

These aren’t all the things you can do, nor are they a definitive guide. The point was to try and explain what long and shorts are. I’m sure you’re going to get your dick stuck in a box -spread, and you’ll think you’ve found an infinite cheat code. Smooth, like your brain.

If this is the first time that you heard ‘options’ or ‘gourd futures’, then you should stay away from CFDs or Option contracts. You’ll lose so much money, it’s great.

But since you have no sense, you’re not going to listen to any of this, just remember that option contracts usually expire OTM or worthless. So it’s best to have an exit strategy instead of holding it until it expires worthless.

But you’ve probably done your research and plan on HODLing to the grave, sure thing bud.

Go be a good gorilla and enjoy the Casino now, remember House Rules

*Not Valid Financial, Legal, Life, or Any Advice

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