WTF is Activist Investing?

Well, I talked about the power bottom Otters Activist Short Sellers, might as well talk about the straight-arrow long-dick style vesters.

Look, as much as the next guy, I love markets, money, and manipulation.

I love money markets, money manipulation, market manipulation.

Best of all, I love Money Market Manipulation.

Pyramid power for you

Activist Investing is like being a closeted money market manipulator. It can technically be illegal, but if you skirt around the edges of legality then you can definitely make a profit. I like to call it ‘outsider trading’ or something. (Disclaimer: I don’t call it oUTtsIdERRR tRaDiNg).

Anyways, what an Activist investor does is invest money or things into a company and then Actively tries to increase the valuation of the company. Sometimes people do the easy thing and just lie or commit fraud to inflate the value of a company, you know, like junk credit swaps during that housing bubble of old ‘eight.

Well, the lying part and fraud could get you in serious trouble, so the other options could be to convince other people that the value went up. You know, manipulate the psychology of other investors to yeet their money (just like how you yeeted did yours).

Buy the Rumor, Sell the News

By that I mean, have some media outlets spread what you want.

Find a discord of other autists, roleplay like the discord is a hedge fund. Talk like you think you know what’s going to happen and make ridiculous plays as if the combined might of 1,000 shares can move market volume considerably.

I mean, Snowflakes cause avalanches right? It’s like playing those token machines where you put money and it slides it out. You know, this thing;

Look at your measly stocks trying to ‘move’ the market, wunderbar!

Go ahead and share some news articles that you definitely didn’t pay someone else to write. I mean, all the magazine sites are seeking contributors to work for free. Why not have them write a positive article reaffirming old information to a NEW audience like on Forbes, Motley fool, MarketWatch, etc.

It’s great because they always say some disclaimer about not owning any stock or something about not being valid financial advice. Like some stupid bullshit ‘forward looking statement’ to legally acquit them of being liable. Even though they’re manipulating the market.

You might have to be clear on the message, sometimes the media can be misleading. This includes social media, So your stocks might have a bumpy ride.

Roller coaster media

Fuck it, it doesn’t even have to be media or journalistic sources. Just pay Carole-Funny-Baskins to talk some gibberish upselling your stonk. Easy money.

Is this Activist Investing?

Hire someone to talk positive about your stuff, easy money for everyone. Everyone (minus bears) wins.

You can make a solid DD post on wallstreetbets and manipulate the reddit algorithms to launch your post to the front page. All you gotta do is engage with atleast 10 other autists, and you should have atleast a 1% stock rise. This is all part of the manipulation, you gotta get ‘in’ with the group of anonymous retards yoloing their Familial life at thanksgiving. Because stock advice tastes better than turkeys, especially when you build their hopes up to crash there fungibility in a volatile market.

I mean, you can’t spell fungible without ‘fun’ right?

The Super Active investors

Nothing is more active than quitting your current job and pursuing a career in the company you invested in. I mean, if you invested your life savings, that’s basically your life. Why not just invest your actual life too for good measure?

If you’re really good at it, and make it to a high position, this could be construed as insider trading. Which is also cool to have on your federal rap sheet.

So people quit their jobs and join the company to slave away and make more money. This really only works if you’re actually skillful or can innovate the company to do better. It doesn’t really pan out if you’re a dead beat who sucks at everything.

I hear people invest in $ROPE, might be a better company if this job fires you.

Worthy of a Life investment.

Or people quit their job and join a potential partner company to work out deals and negotiations and mergers. Why not join another company and help the company you’re really invest in succeed? I mean, this is basically what friendship is all about, you helping me help you helping me. A circle jerk, welcome to business.

Yea, so definitely don’t think about joining a partner venture capitalist firm or bank to secure favorable loan deals as a financial instrument-vehicle to finance future growth with over-extended free cash flow of devalued assets in a proto-proof-of-concept company.

Yea, sinking ships.


Or people are assholes, like you and I, and decide to join a rival company to make it tank from poor performance. The trick is, you have to do enough to make it not your fault, and also not technically be held liable.

(You’re an asshole if you do this, btw, just for reiteration).

Bonus points if you whistle blow regulatory violations on this rival company, because then you get money for doing an ethical thing while profiting at the same time!


Here’s a good example of Kanye West, doing the thing with GAP and Adidas. Basically he tweeted and complained about the negotiations and business arbitration until the companies caved under social justice pressure. Then after Ye joined, he released several lines of products while using his social influence to promote himself and the company, making the company stonks go up.

#Black Board Seats Matter and definitely not piggybacking off of societal pressures from BLM movement during a time of corporate cuckery and bending the knee to peaceful rioters orderly conducting anarchy.

After striking a deal with GAP, stonks went up by a whopping 39%, and the collaboration also raised $2.4 billion dollars. So, something money money money.

In Closing

Hey, suicide jokes are, just like ‘suicide’ and your ‘life’, A joke.

Anyhow, don’t kill yourself, and if you do, make sure to make it clear that it wasn’t due to me or anything that happened in your life.

Well, now that you know how to be an activist investor, go ahead and try to manipulate the market through legal means. Happy Bear Hunting Season!

*Not Valid Financial, Legal, Life, or Any Advice.

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